And… Just like that, it’s gone.

My great mood, rapidly dissipated.  Depression set in with a blink of an eye.  So don’t blink or you’ll miss it.  Too late it’s already happened.

While I was in good spirits earlier this evening, things have completely reversed.  You know what?  Fuck it!  Fuck this hiding behind shit.  I don’t know where I’m going.  Don’t have any real sense of guidance or structure in my life.  What do I know?  HA.  I’m not in school any more.  Much to the deception of the vast majority of my family.  And no, that’s not to worry about repercussions on my behalf or anything of the sort.  It’s because I worry about disappointing them, so I play along.  “Yes uncle, I have finals coming up.” As if…

So what sparks this random bit of lashing out in anger and frustration.  I don’t know.. Maybe I missed my meds for a couple days, I can’t recall.  BUT what I do KNOW is that there are people who care about me, people I have looked up to, then suddenly seem to turn my back on without any motive or sense of what I’m doing.  A mentor of mine sent me an email about a week ago, I just now looked at my tech email, after going over a whole month of neglecting it.  He wanted to check in on me.  I nearly fell apart…  still am I guess… Maybe I will before the mind loses focus and unconsciousness follows.

I might try to reach out to him tomorrow just to let him know what’s going on.  I should be honest with everyone really.  I should…  But it is hard sometimes.. Hell ALL the time.  Especially when you are hearing expressions of disappointment at the thought of something like dropping out of school again.  Yeah, there was a time when I was going to be honest with my uncle, but I sort of tested the waters if you will, and behold, my vessel capsized as I felt stranded at sea.  Needless to say I got no response that let me believe it was okay to talk to him about what was really going on. 

Fuck… Why’s everything got to be so difficult?  It’s all so hard.  So cold, so relentless.  This is me.  Most of the time.

I spend my time worrying about the future without planning how to keep it stable.  I spend much of my time concerned how my actions will affect others, rarely reflecting on what’s best for me until it’s too late to have a good outcome.  It just turns into a salvage mission.  Too bad life don’t let you have room for much of those.  If you’re always salvaging you aren’t making much progress of any sort.  These people I trusted in school.  They are no more essentially.  Oh, how I wish they were.  How I wish they might be the friends I desire but definitely don’t deserve.  That they could help me on this journey of finding myself.  God knows I’m lost as Hell. 

Still, not much has changed in my mind in terms of the future.  Just a lot of confusion in the present.  If only reality weren’t so…  Ruthless.  Maybe, just maybe I could stand on my own two feet and scream back at it “You hear me fucker? I’m still here and I’m not planning on going anywhere soon!”  But I can’t, because it IS ruthless, so much that I’m oppressed by my very being.  Alas, what’s a crazy person to do?


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