It’s you who reads this after all

Introspect.  Am I right?  I mean, that’s why you read this.  Because it’s an eloquent, and sometimes even diversive insight into my thoughts, right?

 

I like how I often write to some general audience.  But I know completely all too well that no one else will read or will likely even know about the existence of these posts.  I post them for you I suppose… And myself.  

Things, they don’t make sense do they?  

They rarely do after all…

I have wronged you in more ways than I can count, maybe I try to justify it by determining to not be as “bad” as some things other guys do, but maybe, just maybe it is…  I mean I don’t beat you or actually threaten you, but I don’t exactly display love and affection towards you all the time either do I?  

For this, I am truly filled with regret and overcome with sorrow, even beginning to write this, I had to stave off a few tears since you might interrupt me if that were the case.  But let it serve now, as a reminder, that I do love you with all my heart.  No matter how many stupid mistakes.  No matter what I say or do, I know it comes back to you.  Because you’re my heart keeper.  So keep it well…

By all accounts I don’t feel like I should be able to function in most fashions.  I have the capacity to love, but not to display it, or so it would seem.  It’s an odd thought.  But, you, I love you so much.  

That means I should do all these things for you right?  And likely even want to do them for you.  It’s not that I don’t though…  I do, I really often think about things that would make you happy or anything.  But, the sad truth is that’s where it stops.  

Probably a big problem I have in my life, and a main reason why I don’t endeavor to be a leader, is that I lack conviction.  I tell myself “I should do that.”  and that’s all I do.  MAYBE, just MAYBE I begin to pursue some sort of path that would lead to the accomplishment of the goal, but there soon after I just lose sight of the purpose of the goal and subsequently the goal itself.  It’s not that I don’t care or don’t want to do it, or it’s too much work, sometimes these ideas are even enjoyable and fun.   I just…. I just stop and don’t go back. 

 

Isn’t that strange?

But none-the-less… I love you dearly, more so than I can even comprehend.  It’s my most absolute and promising goal to make you feel loved and have you understand that we belong.  There’s lots of cheap and extravagant ways to propose.  There’s lots of ways to be “romantic” and still spend nothing on an engagement ring.  There’s many more ways to plan and follow through with a wedding.  I would have you know I intend to make you my wife.  But, interestingly enough, I’m planning something, let’s hope it moves beyond that…  If I should propose to you in some form or fashion, I would not be entirely deterred should you decline, in fact, I might even encourage it.  Let’s just see how this next month goes 🙂

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