Out of the Choir, and Into the Brainpan

I have a lot of drafts on here.  I’m glad I keep them actually for times like what I am having now.  The following is a draft I left off on June 15

Start

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I have some words I feel the need to let loose.  Just some description of experiences and various thoughts I have had and been mulling over.

I work in retail.  I won’t say where, because as far as I am aware, it could go against some sort of agreement or something I signed when I was hired.  But, if you know me, you know where I work.

Here’s something I don’t get though.

People.

Just people.  I don’t get them.  I am one, I understand we have a range of thoughts and morals, backgrounds, values, priorities, etc.  But I don’t get us.  I’ve actually grown to despise people over the years.  For a huge variety of reasons.  Yet, oddly enough, I aim to display kindness and generosity towards anyone, regardless of there opinions, establishment, background, or nature.  It’s something I do not fully understand myself.  How can I despise the thought of people, yet crave to help them in a legitimate fashion?

I wonder how much of that is me being fucked up in the head?  I mean, I am bipolar.  But that doesn’t really fit it, you know?

At work, or anywhere other than home, a lot of times even at home, my actions and my thoughts don’t exactly align.  For example, someone can be incredibly rude and inconsiderate to me, and I will be the most polite person I can be, it has nothing to do with what I feel my obligations or responsiblities, duties, or role is where I am at in that moment, but rather an encompassing feeling of empathy.  Trying to better understand why the person is behaving this way, if there is anything I can do to alleviate their difficulties.  Yes, that does help quite often in retail I imagine, but I don’t do that because it’s my “job”, I do that because that’s part of who I am, I do it other places, when it does not benefit me to do so, other than the mere fact that I am inclined to do it and act on that inclination.

Despite my outward actions of kindness and helpfulness, it’s almost like there is just an unsettling anger within me a lot of the time, just aching to unleash some horrible torrential shit on this person who is now irritating me, and who I am also doing my best to improve the day of.

At home, my poor fiance, receives the brunt of all this frustration, with me going on nearly endless tirades about what’s wrong with people and the world.  But Jaslyn stands by me, as only a person who can love another is able to.  I don’t rightly know how she does, but she must love me, there’s no way around that, because I can’t imagine why else she would still be here.

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End of original draft

Now honestly, I have no idea what that anger was about.  Which is why it’s so great to write about it now.  You see, I obviously did not care about whatever the issue was to even remember it.  Haha, it was probably the same shit that I’m still encountering, but at the time I had an inclination to write instead of some other outlet or focus.

Bipolar disorder…  Is this what you are.  Just endless amounts of pointless anger, coupled with some weird focusing issues?

You know it’s funny.  I look at that last paragraph, I remember writing that part actually.  I remember the thoughts I had when I clicked the exit button on the browser.  Immediately after I finished that paragraph, I thought “Fuck, this is stupid, I DO have a lovely fiance.  What else would I need?”  I remember smiling to myself at that thought.  Mulling over the idea of writing more meaningful stuff, not so much rant based.  But I was too calm.  My words, well they made it out of my head, and my brain landed on the most wonderful person to me.  I assumed I would probably not really read this draft and it would sit in some blog purgatory until my shit was wiped from the server at some point in the distant future.

Interesting isn’t it?  I remember those specific blips of thought.  And nothing about the negative one.  Despite the negative bias of the human brain.  Maybe, it’s just because it didn’t matter, and she DOES matter.  Maybe that’s all I am.  Someone who needs somebody and knows that I need to be here for that somebody when she needs me.

Since about July, I’ve been very conscious about my efforts to drive impulsive judgments out of my mind.  Do they happen? Yeah, absolutely, you bet your ass they do.  But, I can’t let them define me.  If I truly seek to be the better person I keep saying I intend to be, it starts with me.  And it doesn’t start when it’s convenient, it doesn’t start after I get what I need.  It doesn’t even start after I am finally caught up with that show I watch (Come on Hulu, you really can’t have the 2 episodes I am missing prior to the ones you do have?).  It starts.  That’s it.  That’s the beauty of it.  It just starts.

I think about it.  I’ve been getting on to Jaslyn more as well.  I feel right bad about that.  For so many reasons.  I can’t expect people to be like me.  That’s part of the idea for bettering myself, my standards and moral compass are not theirs, for a huge host of reasons.  There are some things I can not accept at all.  Yes certain contexts can be generated to serve an exception.  But that’s not my point.  I need to treat her better, because I need her.

I keep convincing myself on occasion, that I can do fine without her.  To be honest, the thought of that at the moment, immediately brings my eyes to tears.  I’m not who I need to be.  And she knows that.  And she loves me.  Isn’t that what we all want.  I have everything I need.  And it should be my turn to give what’s needed.

I’ve fallen out of purpose.  I wake up each morning, wondering what my purpose is.  As I go to work and perform my required duties, I talk cheerfully to the people I am helping and work with.  Sometimes it’s even sincere.  But these thoughts in my head persist.  They catalog everything I process and bring it to a higher priority and basis for understanding.

Is that bipolar?  Or is bipolar me trying to cause grief for Jaslyn for reasons I can’t comprehend?  Or me spending money on unnecessary things, like pornography or that snack I just had to have several boxes of?  Is bipolar maybe not really all that big a deal and I just use it as an excuse to get out of other issues like going to school and things?  I don’t know.  I know it’s hurting me.  And it’s hurting Jaslyn.

Because of this I have been more productive in my efforts to try to find outlets for this stuff.  But each day, I am still just as angry as the one before.  Each day I find a new outlet, that surpasses the others in every way.  Why do you think I return to this stupid blog.  It’s obvious I don’t keep up with it.  I have cyclical interest.  And Jaslyn, if you could fully understand that, you would know why the hell you need to stay away from me.  I can spill my heart and guts on here until I’m so emotionally drained that I could slip into a coma. And still wake from the coma as if nothing had happened.

Am I so truly emotionally distant, despite all of my efforts to be empathetic?

Maybe I just need purpose…

I can say one thing for certain though.  Since I have decided goodness is what I want the world to have, I have realized many things.  I feel goodness is within me.  Within all of us, but it is something I truly enjoy, and have a passion for.  I want to stray from greed and provide to those who need it most.  All of the ideas I have had for the future as of late revolve around this principle.  Goodness.

My brain may be on fire, but I’m going to figure out some way to use that fire to bring light to those who need it.

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