Two weeks in…

It finally happened. It took two weeks before I shed a single tear this time. It took a while, but it happened. I wish I could say something inspirational. But I’m just angry. I’m just so angry.

It feels like writing about this defeats the idea of suffering in silence. But what can ya do? Ya know?

I try to write about what’s going on, my hands won’t allow it. Write about the state of the world, or something else that angers you.

Yeah, maybe.

Carpe Diem.

My first experience with that phrase was in 7th grade. We had an English teacher out in the portables, the buildings with horrible air conditioning that were separate from the main building for the middle school.

I daydreamed a lot back then. I didn’t care to learn most of the time, just wanted to be elsewhere. Still, I would do fantastic on tests, I’m sure it wasn’t hard to. But I skipped around in my mind when this was presented, I don’t remember the context of the lesson either. What I DO remember is our teacher then being diagnosed with Lupus and she indicated she would likely be out for the rest of the school year. It was only a couple weeks in. I was mostly confused, I remember trying to figure out what lupus was based on what I already knew, and the only thing that came to mind was Lupin Remus, of the Harry Potter series. That sure as hell wasn’t right.

On the day of this announcement we had a sort of crossword with some of the material we had been covering. Carpe Diem being one of the solutions. I got a 100 on the assignment, despite not deserving it. I had not provided “Carpe Diem” as a solution, instead I wrote in “Carp Decem” trying my best to recall phonetically what she had said days before. I remember when we were handed them back the following week, our substitute was already in place. After getting it back, I just KNEW it was wrong, I didn’t need any evidence, despite having the 100, I knew it was off. I asked the girl on my left (don’t remember her name) what answer she got for it, she got it wrong, she didn’t know and left it blank. She asked what I got.

“Carp Decem” I say.
“Oh, that sounds right! You got it wrong?” she replies.
“Well, no, I got a hundred” I let the words fall out as I retract sheepishly.

She just provided me with a really puzzled look after that. I asked another kid on my right what he got. I heard him mention a hundred during my conversation with Lefty.

“Carpe Diem” he says slyly.
“I was so close!” I say fully realizing that was the correct spelling and phrasing.
“Yeah” he says looking over my shoulder, “I can’t believe that I even remembered. I just wrote it down in my notes and it came to me.”

Needless to say, I took my issue up with the substitute, who informed me I was close enough and should not question my grade, and instead just accept it.

I was upset that I was provided with a grade I did not deserve.

I don’t know where I was going with this…

I think it was somewhere along the lines of and evolution of the thought on how we should approach each and every day. FYI, I don’t think it’s the traditional interpretation of the “carpe diem” concept.

ADDED AT A LATER TIME/DATE:

I returned to this post because I have no one to talk to as it is 4 in the morning right now. I have to go to work in about 4 hours. Honestly, I don’t know why the fuck I feel the need to bother right now. At first it was to just have something to do that wasn’t to sit at home in misery. Now, the stress is adding up, I have constant tension headaches and pains, knots all over my body in my muscles, probably both from stress and inability to sleep well.

I need to find another outlet or some method of support, because I’m trying to get back into school and this fucking sucks.

Anyway… Carpe Diem. Seize the day right?

I feel that most people take that to mean seize the opportunities laid out in front of you. I ask people though what it would mean to them. Usually the phrase “no regrets” comes up a lot. I don’t like that thought. The fact that we are supposed to know what we will regret and not regret before hand and base judgments on that is terrible. What if an opportunity presents itself that we regret regardless? After all, the grass is always greener on the other side.

Another thing I hear is “to live each day as though it were your last”. I hate this too. If I approach each day as it was my last, I would not care for responsibilities or obligations. These things have long term benefits or consequences, and if I die today, I need not worry about them. Though, I understand the sentiment, if we did not know when our last day was, we should live carefully to be remembered fondly or something. Personally, it matters not to me. I mean, if I’m dead, I’m dead. What I did on the day I died seems hardly relevant. I can understand this from a “legacy” perspective. How you may want to be remembered, because that brings solace to you while you still live and breathe.

I myself? I like the thought of understanding and seizing opportunity. I don’t like people doing things for the sole purpose of doing them though. It’s a personal pet peeve of mine to hear people say they did something and I will ask why, only to hear “because I could”. Is that to imply that it would be impossible for you to not do that thing? Or that doing the thing is more valid than NOT doing the thing? I get what people are actually aiming to do. It has nothing to do with “because they could”, the main logic being “because they could also not”. It has to do with, they don’t know how to articulate their thoughts to explain their actions. Or at least it is not worth doing so. If it’s the latter, I feel there is no need to discuss the presentation of the actions anyway then. If it’s the former, why don’t we know how to express our very essence of being and understanding? Where is there a barrier in our language that prevents this?

I would surmise there isn’t. And as long as I’m surmising things, I’ll take a guess that people are less interested in being articulate, intelligent, expressive, thoughtful, and overall accountable for expressing a cause-effect relationship for anything that is not immediately clear to themselves.

I rant a lot. A LOT. Even if it isn’t on here. I’m always ranting. I have too many memories and too many opinions floating around to stay my lip as it were.

Anyway.. Seize the day. I think it is a wonderful idea when coupled with an overall focus for your life, whether that’s a long term focus or short term or anywhere in between, should be up to the person. I think it’s great to want to end domestic or child abuse, and a lot of opportunities that present themselves have no tangential relation to the matter. That being said, if your goal is to end abuse, whether it’s overall improvement of the community, nation or world, or just your own relationships, it should play a big role in your actions and the types of opportunities that do become available.

Me? I have no focus. I feel there are a few tragedies than any individual can encounter in life. Lack of purpose or focus, being one of them. I’ll find something, I have to remain convinced on that matter.

I’m not truly a smart person I feel. Reasonable and observant, perhaps, but maybe not as intelligent as one would perceive. I often do talk about things out of my depth, and make silly mistakes. Though, that being said, I do note any correction required to take to avoid the mistake as best as possible. Maybe that’s the only difference. My pride, while at times overwhelming, does not usually prevent me from backing down when there is evidence I am incorrect or misunderstood.

Anyway. I lost the thoughts I originally had, after getting upset a significant amount, it helps to rant a bit here and there.

For now, may the misfortunes continue. As I journey ever forward, looking back on the past 5-6 years in twisted misery, reflection, and admiration.

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