Sometimes I wonder if I just do things to be right. I anticipated a horrible depressive episode sometime in February, and I’m just now getting on the upside of it. Was I just fulfilling my prophecy or was it the usual catalyst? I wish I knew, either way, it sucked.
I was victim to a traumatic slideshow of all my life’s hurt and emotional pain. My brain, restless in its attempts to converge on a permanent solution to end all troubles. I mostly stamped my feet, I got really close to doing things I have no doubt I would regret.
I wanted so bad to tell her…
I’m not normalized. I’m so far removed from normal that I don’t have a decent concept of what it’s supposed to be. I dote on a woman who is not emotionally available for that. I have to beat my self up internally to not piece together these strange romantic ideas that feed me most of the day. I can’t get my mind off her, and worse, I struggle to do so, making for some painful internal dialogue.
Sometimes I’m ok that she’s taken. Glad even, so long as she’s happy. But, I fixate on this way too much. I mean, not for the first time, I have wondered if this is how stalkers start out. We’re best friends though. I would never do anything to hurt her. Even more strange than that, I find comfort in the thoughts of my ex-fiance. Sometimes it just seems like it would be nice to go back to being with her.
I don’t even know where I am headed anymore. I just know that I don’t socialize enough to really be in any sort of “dating game”, I’m fixated on this woman’s beauty and character, and I’m wanting to be back with my ex.
I don’t know why I wrote this. I thought it would make me feel better to get this out of my head. Really, I just have a headache still, same as when I started, and I should be lying down, not thinking about where I’m at on the relationship front.
It sucks being right sometimes.