Trepidation in the Land of Confusion

We all walk a winding path. One full of twists and turns, in most our lives there is a few moments which we have thought to contain the potential of a lifetime movie. More and more I feel this to be true. Not just true of myself or of few others, but of the whole population. We all have some sort of drama, this is life. Life has drama when you have interactions with others. Life has both wonders and terrors. That is normal, and I’m starting to feel normal, even if there are bursts inside of me that scream to be something else.

I find myself sitting on the idea of patience and normality, more so than ever before. I have one person to thank for serving as a catalyst of this peace, even if it isn’t yet consistent. Ironically, she’s also the only reason I have any turmoil on the inside.

As a principled man, I have to subvert my feelings and expression of them. As a lovelorn lad, I only crave nothing more than best use my talents to draw her attention. She did not create this turmoil, I did. I saw a beautiful person do great things for me, and I have to make weird I guess.

Sometimes I rationalize it, both for and against me. Just depends on which perspective I choose for the day. There has been no one in my life with whom I’ve entrusted more. This is still unclear to me, although, I’m sure I could chalk it up to a “perfect storm” of events and context. I think maybe it’s normal to have feelings for people even if they are not available to reciprocate them. The line that must be walked is not to destroy these feelings, but rather to mold them into something different.

I find myself daydreaming more and more, a dangerous game I know, one I won’t win, I’m sure. But, it’s like the more I accept it and converge on the idea of patience, the more at peace I am. I desire to do these “romantic” gestures for her, but, that’s where I have to stop, I think going through with them is crossing that line, and I must remember to only toe it. Perhaps there is a way to express these things from the friend perspective. That’s where I feel I spend a lot of my daydreaming. Constructing ideas that are appropriate to present as a friend.

I don’t rightly know where this infatuation is entirely from. I can pick a lot of things out and make reasons for it to be here. But, that does little else other than to focus on it more than is needed. The fact of the matter is, I’m a hopeless fool for the time being, and I have to be ok with that. I have to be ok with me being who I am.

I’m a guy that can achieve greatness. Greatness of the likes I never dreamed. I don’t feel as blind to my own self as I once was, and I have a wonderful friend to thank for that. I touch people, both in my life and outside it. I am charitable. I am intelligent. I am kind and loving. I am creative. I have a lot of talent within and am deserving of someone who gives as much as I do.

It’s time I put an end to feeling inadequate or inferior and simply try harder to focus my talents. It’s time I do this to move on with my own life. And even if I can never hold her hand or stand beside her as my dreams beg for, I have an awesome friend who has done more for me on my journey than she could ever comprehend. Again, in time I will move on, it’s not a matter of picking myself apart, it’s a matter of acceptance. Acceptance for who I am, who I will be, and knowing that I’m going to be ok and be ready to move on in my own pace, nothing more, nothing less.

Thank you world, it’s been a painful ride up to this point, but, I’m gonna take it on foot from here on out.

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