So, I decided to try to carry forward with the intent I had of the last post. Granted, back on meds today, slept for like 14-15 hours, and my thoughts aren’t as “pretty”. And they feel more difficult to manifest, as though they must be dragged through gallons of ethereal sludge before they reach the forefront of my mind.
A decent amount has happened since my last post, maybe I’ll go into some of that too. But, it had occurred to me that my entire title of this blog is based on the thought that it all happens for a reason of some sort. “The Fortunate Misfortunes” is only fortunate as long as the outcome of all these disasters and issues settles into some sort of positive light. That is, despite all the problems, there is a reason for dealing with them and in the end it will be ok. A little more positive than I usually think, but, I evidently had the foresight to know the story doesn’t end a certain way just because I have bipolar disorder.
Being bipolar, that’s a thing that sucks. I have been hospitalized because of it, a total of 3 times in my life. The first time, I was introduced to Trazadone, a medication that made me very exhausted. When I was transferred to the less supervised wing, my roommate had sex with a girl while I was passed out in the room. The girl was another resident. She and myself were getting along pretty well. My roommate seemed kind of an asshole in my opinion, but groggified by the meds I couldn’t focus my thoughts or speech when I was awoke by this happening. Luckily a nurse came in and stopped it shortly after I gained a half conscious mind.
Next morning, they were both released, I had a feeling I knew why, and it wasn’t because they were “ready”. The girl invited me into her room while she packed up the very few items she had. She wanted to tell me bye and said she would buy me lunch sometime if I was up to it after giving me her phone number. She kissed me on the cheek and left, I never called or messaged her, but, I did see her the next time I was in the hospital. She was visiting other people and didn’t know I had returned, she seemed a little upset, but, had lots of positive words to say. Most of the time, people did have positive words.
That was where I left the draft a day or so ago, now I’ve come back to continue this post. That “new girl” I’m so fond of? The one I mention in most these posts now, I told her how I still felt affection for her. I’m not a big mess though. It was more or less she didn’t know how to respond. I mean how could she? How can I expect my best friend to say anything else? She doesn’t want to force that rejection on me, she’s too kind. I tell her I value my friendship and thank her for being so down to Earth about it. She tells me she isn’t going anywhere.
So, I push past the awkwardness, and just try to continue our friendship, despite my desire for it to be something more. I don’t beat myself up for falling for an engaged woman anymore, she’s really fantastic, any guy would fall for her if they got 10 minutes to know her. I’m doing ok, just wishing I could have got a little better closure. But, maybe this will suffice. At least for now.
I’m not doing mental hospitals anymore, I’m staying healthy, that’s a resolution. I promised my best friend some things and I aim on keeping those promises, even if we only stay as friends. She’s a great person, she’s got a great spirit and personality, not worth demanding closure and ending that friendship. I don’t know what I think anymore, but I’m doing ok, and I gotta aim to keep on keeping on above all else. It all happens for a reason, just got to find my own.