There are some things I hide very well. Some things I don’t wish to discuss the finer details with anyone, even a counselor. But, let me do my best here and now to get this weight off my shoulders without feeling like a lunatic.
People. There’s a reason I both consider them toxic and myself to them. There’s plenty of reasons why I hesitate to get close to people, and yet I still manage to do so every now and again.
Mostly when I talk about my problems I suggest it’s unknown why I try to push people away, that’s just the ‘episode’ talking or whatever. I try to delegate the accountability somewhere where it’s a gray area and just play the ignorant fool. But here’s the thing, I know why I push people away. I know why I find people insufferable or consider myself to be damaging their lives or at the very least my relationship with them. Granted, knowing the reason for those things doesn’t help me understand the origin of it.
I often want to hurt people. I mean, maybe it’s not “me” per se, but it goes through my head as though it’s one of my thoughts. Actually it’s more like a dream or a fantasy. One that does not align with at all who I am. It’s not general stuff like “I want her to hurt” or “I don’t like what he did, hope he has it comin’ to him”.
It’s very specific stuff. Usually physical, sometimes psychological or emotional.
See, I get these… “plans”? I don’t know where they come from really, but they’re there. Sometimes it’s beating the living shit out of a person, accounting for their strengths and weaknesses, how to most effectively assault them and whether that includes isolation and how to achieve that. Maybe I have a weapon this time or the next and I can see myself plunging the knife into them. It scares the right fuck out of me. Sometimes I cook up these ideas that can ruin their life, long term plans to sit on and implement. It should be said I never act on any of these, and that’s why I try so hard to remind myself I’m still a good person, but have a difficulty believing it. There are some really dark thoughts I’ve had about harming people, people I love.
My girlfriend suggested this was an aggressive OCD, maybe, I dunno. Often I turn that hate on myself to bear when my mind is telling me these disgusting things. I’m quite surprised that self harm hasn’t played a larger role in my life. All of this did recently culminate in my attempted suicide I guess though, so there’s that.
If anyone who knows me personally is reading this, you’ll recall I’ve wondered how close to a sociopath I am, and this is the reason why. Because I dream of violent things that I’d sooner die than commit. Because something in my head is wrong when I get close to a person I imagine the things that I would do to cause the most harm…
Thankfully though, I’ve had none, absolutely none of these thoughts since being on the new meds, Seraquil I think. It seems to be doing wonders for now. I hope I can continue this ride to a better me, because I don’t want to fall back to the way things were, I may have seemed strong in moments, but that was always right there in my mind, terrifying me. It was especially bad if I felt like someone hurt me.
Anyway… I don’t dare detail the darkest of these thoughts, but I want to say that they aren’t “mine” anyway, and maybe it’s enough to just know that someone who cares about me is reading this and can better understand me.