I recently broke up with my girlfriend, nothing bitter though. We had been back together for a couple months and were weathering some difficult times. She was doing nothing wrong in my opinion, but I realized at some point after getting back together that we were kind of headed in different directions, at least for the immediate future and likely for the distant one as well.
It was this sort of thinking that began my drifting apart so fast as it were. I had a talk after I had been thinking like that for a couple weeks. I told her I wanted to separate while I thought things through and got my bearings. Ultimately that conversation didn’t end us, but it did make me afraid to do so. I didn’t want her out of my life, I still needed her as a friend, she’s still a wonderful person and very important to my support structure. So I stayed with her out of fear essentially.
But the thoughts kept returning. And when she visited, it was great, I did enjoy our time together. That wasn’t really the issue though. Anyway, now we’re over, permanently this time. She’s still going to remain my friend though, exceptionally grateful for that. I’m not happy with us being over, but there is a sense of relief right now. That I’m not hurting her worse later on, that I was able to do it and didn’t have the urge to do anything stupid after. There’s relief for a few things, but I think we parted amicably, and that’s the biggest thing to me.
I’m not a person who makes friends really. Not so much out of my general frustration or anger with people, but I’m very particular with who I invite into my life. It’s not that I consider you “unworthy” if I don’t really befriend you, just that you aren’t the type of person I want to consider spending my time with. I try to broaden my choices or whatever every now and again, but the same result every time, it’s just a person I’m not really comfortable with. Which sucks, cause I really have so few friends, and most of them don’t live in the same city now.
I got one here who does and he works too often to really hang out or do friend activities with. But, I’m not going to dwell on that too much. I got really great friends elsewhere anyway. Maybe it will be a really long time before I date again being that I don’t have friends here to introduce me to a girl and am not extroverted myself. By the way, I know I could land a decent girlfriend, I will admit I’m decently attractive, the hopeless romantic, smart and charming guy that could land a girl he feels is above his tier (out of my league).
But, I don’t really do any of the things that would expose me to those possibilities. Yes, it concerns me if I’ll really be able to find the “girl of my dreams” doing this, but I’ve just got to let that be for now, changing myself to simply afford the opportunity of that is not worth it, I like who I am. Maybe that’s part of the lesson I need to reinforce, I’m ok and enjoy me. I shouldn’t have to change myself just to get the girl after all.
Anyway, dating is off the table for a while. Friend making is hard for me. And I hate going out places. All in all, good talk, I’m gonna stay this way and enjoy it for a bit. Want to add though, this new med I’m on for my bipolar disorder has me feeling like I’ve been stuck in a manic episode for weeks on end. Could this be happiness? I really like it, I hope it doesn’t go away, haven’t felt this good for so long in I can’t remember.