Yeah, so magically better? Maybe? It’s kind of odd. Last month I felt like suicide attempts were appropriate or in order. This month? Hell no! For the first time in God knows when. I feel normal. No, screw that (even deleted that expletive in place of “screw”) I’m amazing, far beyond normal.
It feels like a manic episode. And I kept waiting for it to bottom out. Just waiting, a slight paranoia creeping in. But then a week goes by. Championed a whole week! Nothing happens. Then a couple more days, still nothing. No, in fact it intensifies! Bizarre! I kept waiting for it to get worse. But, it hasn’t. Then I broke up with my girlfriend, it was the right thing to do. To be clear, she was being a great girlfriend, I have my reasons and I felt we were moving in different directions. She did nothing wrong, but it hurt to break up. I thought “This is the turn, this is where things go really south”. And I lamented, I cried all night and hurt so bad. Then the sun rose, and it still hurt a lot, but I found so much relief when she was going to remain my friend. I was able to accept it as doing the right thing. And there was no depressive episode.
In fact this seemingly manic episode got even crazier. Despite feeling sick physically, I have been dancing at work for the past couple days. I did the Carlton, I did this thing where I pumped my fists and shuffled my feet. And the people who saw me? I could give few fucks, pardon the language. I even had this swagger to my step as I went about my day. Two days ago, I even smiled so much, my face hurt. Can that even happen?
Jeeze, it feels so great to know that there’s hope. I know this could go south, I know for any number of reasons this could end. But here it is, going on 3 weeks, not only no incidents, but not even a glimmer of self harm or hopelessness. That’s going to be documented here now. So if it does go south (hopefully not when) I can see, I was doing fantastic.
If I have any friends that know me from recent times and they are reading this, they are probably wondering what in the serious eff. I am too. But I can’t really care. The meds have got to be working. It’s nice for once. I sleep well, brain works, feel good, even dance, I don’t dance, that’s not a thing I do! But now, maybe it is, and I kinda like that.
Even last night I spent a couple hours drawing while listening to electronic music. That’s another thing, music is amazing now. I get goosebumps when I listen to some songs. I get pumped up, it for all intents and purposes feels like a manic episode that won’t end.
I hope it’s more than that. Right now though, just time to enjoy it. World, you’ve been a hard place for me for the most part, but I am closer than ever to being happy, and certainly to accepting who I am and being proud of it!