When I’m doing well, I’m doing amazing. I forget how many weeks ago I had my first, and what should be my only suicide attempt. I could easily figure out, but it feels so far back, like I’m ready to just leave it in the past, what would be the point?
I think I finally found a medicine that works for me. At least for now, yes, I’m slightly paranoid about this near mania state being yanked out from under me. But I mean, over a decade of dealing with this business? Dropped out of college not once or twice, but five times? Tried hard to ruin friendships and hate myself throughout all of that. Given that most of my life has been lived under the terms of mental illness, a reprieve, though very welcome, feels so unlikely. If you’d have told me, like some of my friends did, a few months ago that I could find “normal”, I’d have scoffed and explained why I couldn’t.
Now, I’m past that. I’m so much better than normal, and I’m loving it. Every day feels like a manic episode. I’m excited, have high energy, I want to laugh and enjoy things. I spread my talents and my skills and I sit back and admire them. I love music. I love playing my guitar (even though I’m often feeling sick and my joints hurt). I love playing video games again, I get excited talking about different things with my friends. I ACTUALLY carry conversations on a daily basis with most of my friends (even though most can still be counted on one hand).
Point being. I feel good. So very good. Weeks have gone by. WEEKS, I mean, I could not even comprehend this level of feeling good just a couple months ago. I get normalish sleep, I don’t get anxious about things. There are a few remnants that hang over me, but I don’t stress about them. I just let them be. I started taking on some good projects, some creative, well, MOST creative, no, ALL creative haha.
That feels good. I’m writing story for some friends to play a tabletop RPG with. I’m drawing, something I really never do. I’m writing a song even! I’m so close to finishing it. All these projects, I would normally get the ideas in a manic state, write them down and abandon them a few days later citing this or that. But now?
Now, I plan them out, I filled up a notebook with ideas, and notes and how to achieve them, stuff like that. Man, when my brain works, it works beautifully. I’m confident in my abilities, damn near even cocky. I like that. Been a long time since I wanted to toot my own horn.
Despite competing in Intel International Science and Engineering Fair twice and even placing 1st at state in my category one year, I felt so sure it was all a fluke. That stuff was reinforced when I had to drop out of college again… and again… and again. That’s just the reality of being bipolar for me though. Because here I am, on a good path now. Making steps to accomplish a lot of these projects now.
A big thank you to all of my friends. You know which ones you are. I love you all. You’ve put up with my bad times and even often supported me through them. I hope I can provide half of what you did for me. Not in the spirit of reciprocation, but because that’s who I am. I would want to do that if we were close friends and you were somehow unaware of my… erm… difficulties. That’s who I am. And being mentally healthy? Well, Hell, that’s just having the ability to be the best of me. And I’ll be damned if I ain’t awesome. Cause I got some great things in store, just you wait and see.
I often end the posts on a note sort of like a toast. “To this or that” I might say. I don’t need to toast this though, not tonight. Toasts always feel like a well wisher’s hopes. I’m not hoping now. I’m believing. Believing that I can do things I only dreamt of before. A man like me? Smart, observant, rational, quick witted, generous, and a decent mug to boot? I can do great things, and I aim to do them.
With a slightly toast-like ending despite my previous statements, I say to any of you who struggle or have known the struggle of mental illness, it can get better, just stay persistent. Anyone who has friends or family in this struggle, they won’t believe your incessant nagging that it gets better, but never stop nagging them, show them it gets better, show them blogs of people who are dealing better now, show them this one, despite its terribly ineffective gathering of followers (Yes, I definitely need to redo my whole look of this blog, not just the aesthetic either). To loving those in your life and to getting better to be the best you, I bid thee a goodnight.