Ah, The Sweet Return of Sense

Just like Stella, I got my groove back. Well… Sort of. It was a really rough period, that depressive episode. Mixed in a few other elements and BAM! I had a really shitty past couple of weeks. I even spent a night in Jail! More on that some other time. Tonight is about positive reflection.

I was down. Super low, I hid it from some friends and others I didn’t mention it to until I was just barely crawling up away from it. A few things I learned from this one. First off, I actually seriously analyzed it to the best of my ability! *Pat on the back*.

Bulleted points? Listen to music, no matter how much I’m not “feeling it”, listen to 90s geek rock, chiptunes, stuff like “The Flight of the Conchords”. Music connects with me, even if I don’t want to listen to it, I’ll feel a little better with the positive tunes playing somewhere.  Next, pep talk yourself. I’ll be writing one here for my own reference before the conclusion of the post, so there’s that. Distraction used to work, but it only makes me exhausted, because I keep going for the distraction instead of actually doing healthy things, like sleeping. Friends, talk to them, even if you aren’t wanting to, tell your close ones that you got a few issues, sometimes they help pick up the slack.

In particular, I believed I came out of this episode when I talked with another friend who has bipolar disorder. Our general conversation led to me affirming my goals and intentions. It was a good conversation to recenter me. 10 out of 10, would have that discussion again, and again, haha.

Another bit of obvious “discovery” I had, was to be ok with being depressed. Don’t fight it, like don’t get upset you are depressed, the depression is already bad, don’t add to it. Just accept it, remind yourself you’re going to come out of it at some point and do the other pointers. No important decisions in a depressive episode, those can end terribly. This includes no decisions about future goals, no decisions about relationships, no decisions about terminations of friendships, and certainly regarding the ending of life.

All in all, productive depressive episode. Gotta admit, wasn’t bad, well, I’ve certainly had worst at least. Keep on these meds, no matter what I think about their effectiveness. I wanted to stop in the depressive episode. I remember how that went every other time though. I did spend a lot of time reading my positive posts, trying to regenerate that attitude and summon it from the depths. I thought if I could cling to that memory, I could get a little boost. Instead, I just lamented that I could go from such happiness to bottoming out so easily. That’s part of the reason for the following bit, the motivational speech to myself, feel free to enjoy, I encourage everyone to have one of these handy!

Grant, dude, you got this. I mean it, you really got this. Yeah, I get it blows right now, life isn’t the best to you, sure, but it’s just temporary thing. You’re gonna come out of this and know that, so no stupid decisions. You keep on fighting, at least to do nothing serious, until this blows over. I mean seriously, you’ve made it, what, a decade like this? More even! And you’re getting better, you got plenty of stuff archived to show for that. Don’t fret that this is part of your cycle, just know that it IS a cycle, it goes back around and gets good again. You’ve beat so many odds already. Bullying? Sure, it left its scars, but you have a good heart and strength to show for it. That kindness you are thinking right now people take advantage of? They do, I won’t lie, but you’re strong enough to rise above that. You strive to be the best man you can be, and most of the time you don’t fall short. You are an integral part of people’s lives, and that won’t change, in fact, you’re going to go on to do great things. Greatness is in you, even if darkness is too. You’re going to rise above that darkness though. It’ll happen, just you wait. In the meantime, ask anyone of your closest friends what they see in you or in your future, it’s good things, trust me, go on and ask, you’ll find that out. You’re a good man Grant, no matter what you want to think of yourself in this trying time. I hope you read these words and recall a many more great thing about yourself. Just remember to give it a few days and it everything will be right again.

So there, that’s done. Hopefully it can keep me focused and returning to at least stable thoughts if not happy ones. The happy ones come back, they did this time and all the ones before it. Time I start fighting bipolar this way instead of exploding against having it. I think this is a step in the right direction. Good night folks, it’s a wonderful night to change.


2 thoughts on “Ah, The Sweet Return of Sense

  1. penelope kirk

    Nice post, but now you have to write another one telling everybody about the “being in jail” bit. 🙂 I’ve been working on the more “zen” aspect of depression you mention, I mean the idea of learning to “sit with the depression” instead of fighting it. It’s very hard for me but it makes good intuitive sense.

    1. purenezzo Post author

      It is very hard. I’ve fought depression more often than not for the better part of my life. So it, will take some odd effort to force myself to just sit, but I think it’s the best plan I’ve got.


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