Monthly Archives: August 2015

It’s One of Those…

One of those nights where I still find myself up at past 3 in the morning. It was, IS a good day/night. I just find myself wanting to write. About anything. I still have a plans for a couple posts, but this is one of those spontaneous bits. In fact, I half believe I’m going to succumb to exhaustion midway and just click my light off and roll into bed, letting this be one of the now dozens of drafts I have adding up.

My girlfriend is awesome. Maybe that’s what I want to write about. Who knows? I gotta say, it’s damned remarkable to be how I am right now. It’s so wonderful too. I’ve never been a person very close to God. And I’ve always seen spirituality and religion as a personal thing, I still do. I don’t believe in the judgment of others though, even if the leader of my local doctrine does. (Not saying anything about my church now, just a general statement)

But, I have always known God to be “there”. Something I inherently believe in. There were times I would doubt. There were plenty. There were times I questioned it and prayed for an answer, some divine revelation. I feel I got it. Maybe some people can write my experience off as coincidence, but it’s meaningful enough to me, and that’s all that matters. And now my relationship with God is getting better. This is in part to my girlfriend, a big part, in a non-pushing sort of way. She knows that much. And I’m confident she’ll be thrilled to know the next, because as far as I know, I haven’t told her about this yet.

A while before my suicide attempt I made a prayer. To ask God for a “guide”, for someone to help me walk a more “righteous” path, a holy one. I immediately took shelter in a “sign”. It was just me rationalizing though. Explaining why it was a sign to get what I wanted. It ultimately went no where, and I have nothing to show for it. But just in the days leading up to when I met this wonderful woman, I started to recall the thought. And I once again, prayed for someone to help center me and help me be a more holy person. (I’m sorry if people not of faith find this off-putting, not the intent, this is my path, and everyone else has theirs, I respect and welcome that).

Within all the days that I spent informing my friends and self that I was not going to date. I was going to sit it out for a bit, I did a short prayer one day. I asked God for a guide again, not knowing what to expect if anything. And then I met her. And our first date, she got excited and talked about a personal and holy experience. I think she thought I would think it was weird. I shared mine. Already being filled with the energy that maybe there’s something here in response to my prayer.

We haven’t known each other long. There’s a lot about her that is mysteriously enthralling. There’s some about her that’s obvious as to why I can fall so easy. She’s a nerd. Smart, beautiful, absolutely silly, gives me the impression she just loves life. She’s empathetic, and wisened, but she’s got room for error too. All in all, she’s a person I can truly connect with on so many levels. And. She’s an answer to my prayer.

I just know it.

I hesitated to mention or write this, because I wanted it to be clear I wasn’t idolizing her or placing her on a pedestal. That’s not what this is though, and I’m certain she can see that. This is just a very good answer and exploration in my faith. While also being a really rad lady I can spend time with.

You know, I thought I was going to spend time writing about how she makes me feel and explaining, or trying to explain why I could fall in love so fast. That it was scary and exciting and that I had no regrets.

But. I think I like what I wrote there. I think that’s simple, and maybe not the most interesting thing to just anyone, but it speaks to my healing. And it speaks to my current placement. As well as how great she is. So I think that’ll do.

Yes. I definitely love her. I’ll be damned if love isn’t the most scary/wonderful thing I know of.

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A Blissful Return

Been a while since I wrote, still have several posts on the burners. But I’m sort of back now from my hiatus. I took a family trip and quit my job and many, many other things. I still need to write a post to “accept” an award I was nominated for. That’s still on my to do list. But for now, words!

I promised my now girlfriend I we would hold each other accountable for writing so often and I haven’t held up my end for a bit. I have lots more drafts stacked up and each one prematurely ended or suspended, not ready for release into the wild. But, let me just do an update maybe?

There’s not been a whole lot pressing matters going on, nothing too reflective spinning around the ol’ custard bowl, but I can tell everyone (whoever that is) what’s been going on, well, some of it, I still can’t talk about (like my trip to jail and pending court case). I have a girlfriend though. Now that’s a thing. And I couldn’t be more happy. I told myself I wouldn’t date, that I was not interested, I told others too, my friends and such. I can honestly say, she has caught me completely off guard.

It’s been like a month since our first date. A month since I felt the need to return to church, and yes, I still pray most nights. Beyond that, she’s something of a marvel. She’s managed to lower my shields despite so many things in my head blaring eminent doom. Glad those warnings were apparently just a drill, everyone return to your stations!

Love. It’s a funny thing. A source of healing, motivation, anger, suffering, joy, expression, and so many others. And even more interesting, it hits you. You don’t always get a choice in this manner. It just straightens up and smacks you. You reel for a bit and wonder what’s going on before just becoming something of a slave to the idea that this person might just be the one for you.

I’ve never had anything happen so fast like that. But love? It doesn’t surprise me that it can do it, that it happens. And she’s pretty great, I’m not just some puppy-eyed fool falling for any girl who talks to him. She’s good for me in both a productive and spiritual way. In addition to how in tune we are with one another. I really could probably spend an hour or two just saying how awesome she is, but I think most readers understand it at this point.

I hope (and believe) she’s just as foolishly smitten as me. It’s a good feeling. It really is.

My ex decided to not continue our friendship, I completely get it. I think it was the relationship with my girlfriend that may have set her off and, that’s completely understandable, given the length of our relationship and everything. I hope she can one day reconcile and we can be friends, but until that day, I wish her the best of luck and good fortune and hope she can get that healing she needs.

On a professional note (is it professional) I am definitely planning to return to school in the Spring to continue my education. I’m a smart guy after all, I can do this. Ah! Just look at all the progress I’ve made in a few short months. I’m so much closer to the man I want to be. And also, happy. I’m really happy.

I know there are tough times ahead, but the good times seem to be outweighing them a bit at this point, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Mental illness is a tough thing. It’s far from one size fits all. And there’s a harsh stigma that goes along with it. I want to help end that. Even if it’s just help a person or two, people need to know it’s ok to be ill, that there are treatments for it. I wish all people had a good doctor and treatment from the get go, but it doesn’t seem to be that way. Just keep trying, life is such a terrible thing to waste.

Until next time, I wish everyone the best, I need to reboot my nerditorial and write a post to accept my award, so maybe look for those soon!

With love and small semblance of sanity, I bid ya’ll adieu.