One of those nights where I still find myself up at past 3 in the morning. It was, IS a good day/night. I just find myself wanting to write. About anything. I still have a plans for a couple posts, but this is one of those spontaneous bits. In fact, I half believe I’m going to succumb to exhaustion midway and just click my light off and roll into bed, letting this be one of the now dozens of drafts I have adding up.
My girlfriend is awesome. Maybe that’s what I want to write about. Who knows? I gotta say, it’s damned remarkable to be how I am right now. It’s so wonderful too. I’ve never been a person very close to God. And I’ve always seen spirituality and religion as a personal thing, I still do. I don’t believe in the judgment of others though, even if the leader of my local doctrine does. (Not saying anything about my church now, just a general statement)
But, I have always known God to be “there”. Something I inherently believe in. There were times I would doubt. There were plenty. There were times I questioned it and prayed for an answer, some divine revelation. I feel I got it. Maybe some people can write my experience off as coincidence, but it’s meaningful enough to me, and that’s all that matters. And now my relationship with God is getting better. This is in part to my girlfriend, a big part, in a non-pushing sort of way. She knows that much. And I’m confident she’ll be thrilled to know the next, because as far as I know, I haven’t told her about this yet.
A while before my suicide attempt I made a prayer. To ask God for a “guide”, for someone to help me walk a more “righteous” path, a holy one. I immediately took shelter in a “sign”. It was just me rationalizing though. Explaining why it was a sign to get what I wanted. It ultimately went no where, and I have nothing to show for it. But just in the days leading up to when I met this wonderful woman, I started to recall the thought. And I once again, prayed for someone to help center me and help me be a more holy person. (I’m sorry if people not of faith find this off-putting, not the intent, this is my path, and everyone else has theirs, I respect and welcome that).
Within all the days that I spent informing my friends and self that I was not going to date. I was going to sit it out for a bit, I did a short prayer one day. I asked God for a guide again, not knowing what to expect if anything. And then I met her. And our first date, she got excited and talked about a personal and holy experience. I think she thought I would think it was weird. I shared mine. Already being filled with the energy that maybe there’s something here in response to my prayer.
We haven’t known each other long. There’s a lot about her that is mysteriously enthralling. There’s some about her that’s obvious as to why I can fall so easy. She’s a nerd. Smart, beautiful, absolutely silly, gives me the impression she just loves life. She’s empathetic, and wisened, but she’s got room for error too. All in all, she’s a person I can truly connect with on so many levels. And. She’s an answer to my prayer.
I just know it.
I hesitated to mention or write this, because I wanted it to be clear I wasn’t idolizing her or placing her on a pedestal. That’s not what this is though, and I’m certain she can see that. This is just a very good answer and exploration in my faith. While also being a really rad lady I can spend time with.
You know, I thought I was going to spend time writing about how she makes me feel and explaining, or trying to explain why I could fall in love so fast. That it was scary and exciting and that I had no regrets.
But. I think I like what I wrote there. I think that’s simple, and maybe not the most interesting thing to just anyone, but it speaks to my healing. And it speaks to my current placement. As well as how great she is. So I think that’ll do.
Yes. I definitely love her. I’ll be damned if love isn’t the most scary/wonderful thing I know of.