Nights like this…

It’s evenings like this that make me realize why I have had so many troubled issues in the past. I’m not going to blame my mom here. I want that clear. It’s going to look a lot like that. Really, I just want to point out the trauma left from my dad’s accident and it how it relates to my mom’s structure (or lack thereof).

Those of you who know me, know my mom can explode. You also know that she takes everything to be the worst possible outcome. There does not exist any solution. There does not exist any mediation or any sort of middle ground from acceptable loss to life changing result. Every time she encounters a problem, she’s insistent that she’s going to jail. Or that she’s going to die. Or that my dad will die. Or that she’s going to lose her job. Or that she’s going to owe thousands upon thousands of dollars. There’s zero discussion. Absolutely no problem solving. It’s just “oh God we’re all going to die” at the slightest hint of any problem.

Now, that’s cleared up. I know that’s a big issue leftover from my father’s accident.

Anyway. I came home. I told my mom I had a pleasant night. She rested in her recliner for a bit. I’ve been in pain for several days and I asked her if she thought I should see a doctor sooner. We had already discussed seeing a doctor later in the week if the pain was persistent. I think I have esophagitis or an esophageal ulcer. So it’s hurting to just swallow my spit. She lay there for a bit. Then sat up, disengaging the recliner.

She started to scream at me about how I had no right to ask about seeing a doctor. She starts in on why she’s going to jail and how I won’t have a mother around. I’m completely lost at this point. I’m asking her to take a deep breath. She follows that up with how I’ve done nothing but make problems for her. That I’m a huge financial strain and that’s all it’s been since I’ve came home.

Now obviously that hurts to hear. I yell back. Immediately after, I take a more penitent tone, and ask her to calm down and use discussion voices. She refuses and starts off on a number of tirades. So I pretty much am hiding in my room. This has been a problem for as long as I can remember after my dad’s accident. She used to call me an accident. Or plead with God to fix me. She used to demand to know why God sent her a child like me. I would hear her saying those things. She said lots of things that hurt. She still does. It’s not ok. But she’s saying it because she’s never got a grasp on all that happened with my dad.

I have to consciously correct myself when I start plunging to the worst case scenario. I’ve grown up around it. It’s practically all I know. So I’m sure it’s much harder on her. But I really can’t take this. I’m trying very hard to withstand it. I don’t want to move out without making sure she’s going to be ok. But I also know I’m going to go through a lot of things that hurt so bad in my adolescence if I stay.

I pray for guidance. I pray for her to have some semblance of calm. But sometimes she just gets set off. I asked her to remain calm when I left to my room. I closed the door slowly and softly. She’s just stopped yelling and crying a minute ago. I might go check on her now. Hopefully that goes well.

But I mean. Growing up with all that. Having bipolar disorder. Is it any wonder I didn’t complete school? That I ran away? Or that I tried to commit suicide? I’m in a much better frame of mind now. And tonight is honestly the best I’ve ever handled a direct accusation about being the source of all of her problems. Maybe God’s watching out for the both of us. Maybe my girlfriend has just helped me gain perspective a lot on myself. I could list a lot of reasons. But it doesn’t really matter.

I just need to keep moving forward. And so does she. No matter how much she is stuck in the past. She’s my mom. I can’t sacrifice myself to help her, but I’ve still got to try.


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