I’m tired. Exhausted. Spent both physically and emotionally. On a night where I really just needed some rest, a few things have stacked against me and I made a decision that was not in my best interest.
Enter now. My mom has been on the edge of having a breakdown. There’s nothing I can say or do to make her feel better. Even temporarily. It’s all my fault or someone else’s. And I listened to her cry and scream and threaten for a couple hours tonight. My gut said to leave and get rest. My brain said to leave and get rest. I told my girlfriend I was leaving to go get rest. And I didn’t.
Instead. I somehow chose to be berated and belittled and not have my meds with me tonight because I’m some dutiful and obviously idiotic son.
My mom has it hard. I get that. She shouldn’t. But she does. But me being around her feels like a poison to both of us a lot of the time
Even when I’m being sincere and trying to make her happier.
Doesn’t matter. I have not slept right in days and now I’ll likely be up all night. Watching those hours tick by. Dreading when I have to get to work. Then my time is already taken up tomorrow evening for a Thanksgiving type thing with friends. When I will just want sleep. And my chest feels tight with anxiety already over things that shouldnt stress me and my mind flits to how terrible the world is while I just try my damndest to keep my eyes closed. But instead I’m just full of anxiety and tears.
So I end up here. As my outlet. I’m entitled to off days. I’m bipolar. Even treatment doesn’t 100% eliminate that. But. I’m really just wanting to call in tomorrow and not go to the dinner. I’m really just stressed for no real reason and it keeps building.
Tonight was most decidedly NOT what I needed. And I succumbed to it anyway. Stupid decision. Why can’t I just act on the right decisions?
I’m supposed to have 8-10 hours of sleep while on my meds. Maybe that doesn’t apply tonight because I couldn’t take them. But I haven’t got that in a couple days and this just added to that anxiety. Today started out so great too.
Any day is susceptible I suppose. I’ll just say some short prayers and see if I need to call in tomorrow. Not having the meds makes me incredibly sick the day after missing them. Again. I’m absolutely full of good thoughts ad decisions tonight.