Monthly Archives: December 2015

I’m supposed to write. or something.

Sometimes I get on here. And I write in a manic way. Words flow to me. Or not, but I need them to. Sometimes there is a very central topic on my mind. Sometimes there isn’t but in the course of typing, I make one.

This. I don’t think is those. My girlfriend is trying to get me to focus on writing more. Fictional stuff. Not bloggerific stuff. Not all the stuff that I say I will do and never do, stuff (unless I don’t do it). I like this.

Recently it has occurred to me how much I actually value writing. I used to say if there was one thing I could do in this life to make a living, it would be reading/learning something new every day. More and more, writing seems to be the great compromise for that. I don’t know how I would write professionally, in fact, I’m all but certain I can’t. But I need to try.

Maybe I’m skilled in analytical stuff. Problem solving, code, math, blah blah. Sometimes I write quite candidly, other times, with more prose. Sometimes words are hard, other times they come to me in dreams. (or showers) But, those are my daydreams. Expression. Words. I may be a terrible writer, but maybe I can write something. Maybe I shouldn’t shut myself down first.

Amidst all my health issues right now. I ought to give it a whirl. Who knows. Maybe it’d work out well.

A Thing

This is a thing. Those other things? They were too. I’m tired, partially over caffeinated and somewhat delirious.

I don’t live with my mom now, so that will be nice, some space is definitely needed. I see my psychologist tomorrow for the first time in months, since starting this new job (which is great by the way). My girlfriend is starting some additional education, and altogether I’m blessed with great and accepting friends.

So why do I feel like crud? And why the Hell do I not get the motivation to write more often? Latter, actually, I have several times, but my new place does not have grounded outlets, I risk my game system enough, but maybe not my pc, it costs more.

Anyway, the crud bit.

First off, I am writing, the aforementioned passage might make you wonder on what? My PC. I’m at my mom’s. The lady damn near had a conniption of some sort. I’m here, as always mom, to save the day.

Truth be told, she’s a strong, if not obstinate woman. I couldn’t do what she does, she deserves to let off some steam, but I would appreciate her finding another way to do that.

My wonderful girlfriend suggested writing earlier to which I replied the same excuse as listed here. So when I came “home”, I felt obligated, and maybe itching a bit to hammer some thoughts out.

We decorated my mom’s a little bit for Christmas. She hasn’t done that since my brother passed away. And don’t get me started on how he might be rolling in his grave. But it was nice, my girlfriend and I, just doing something thoughtful. She puts a lot of effort into being with me, or maybe not? I don’t know. I feel like she does, but it’s not lost on me, I really do love her and appreciate her for that.

She’s been a great and positive influence on me. Really. I couldn’t be happier. I get to call her nerdy pet names and say dorky things. I love seeing her smile especially when her eyes get all squinty and her face scrunches.

So why the crud?

I’m sick again. I think when I was sick this bad a while back, I remember wanting to welcome the destructive thoughts back over the pain. I don’t want that. Those really were much worse. But it still hurts to get up. My sides hurt right now, my muscles all the way up my right side scream and my hands have a slight burning and I’m cycling through various infections again. I’m waiting on my new insurance to see a doc. I did this once before and it solved nothing except how to spend all my cash and ding my credit, didn’t know I had that problem, but I sure fixed it!

So yeah, been getting the symptoms for a few weeks now, been getting progressively worse. Not sure a doctor is going to tell me anything different either. But something is wrong to be sick off and on as much as I am. Seems it happens in waves. And when in a wave, I get a few low grade fevers, UTIs, upper respiratory infections, lots of headaches, joint and muscle aches. I’m not wanting all this to keep happening. It’s frustrating.

But, if I had to pick a lesser of two evils, this one is safer than my bipolar being untreated.

I don’t know if I have or should use my girlfriend’s name here, feels weird to keep just saying “girlfriend” when I know her by a few names. But she’s been good to me. I just recently shared with her what’s going on. She’s handling it pretty well I think, being supportive too. So now our date nights are spending time inside watching anime or something. That’s ok, I like that.

Even with how great she is, I wonder about my previous relationship. I don’t long for it back, that’s not at all the thoughts. Just some bittersweet memories. Sometimes they hurt, sometimes I can smile at them. My girlfriend understands though I think. I can’t just eraseĀ 6 years of my life and she wouldn’t want me to. It helps make me who I am. But, I find myself wondering if maybe I was more in the wrong than I was willing to admit. In the end, I think we were both kind of shitty to each other in different ways. I don’t think we were meant for each other, and that’s ok, but she is still a close friend and I want her to achieve more. I hope she does well in her education and all that, but I hardly talk to her anymore. Especially since getting sick and needing my current support, who has been there for me, letting me be clingy. (Thanks Aaron (I’mma use your name dammit)).

Just a lot working through my mind lately. And being sick hasn’t helped. My job is cool though. And I don’t feel crazy. I feel loved and important. Aaron I think gets me in some ways that I used to be very insecure about. I just don’t find myself worrying about it with her. I ought to do something nice again soon. Maybe flowers or something.

A lot of my friends are more or less falling out of my life too. So that’s a thing. But it’s not bothering me as much as I thought maybe? I think I have the people I want in my life there in some fashion.

If this is my new low, I can deal, it’s all good haha. Just wish my body would meet me in the middle.