Nothing in life is sure fire. Today my mom had a heart attack. A bad one, was placed in the ICU and had surgery, lots of indicators it was serious. And somehow I feel distant. Dissonant. I took my meds hours ago, and despite not having racing thoughts or depression per se, I feel awake. I feel. Just here.
I mean I guess we all respond to this stuff differently. But I have work in a few hours. I have to be up and showered and ready to go. And my meds are taking some of the longest they ever could. And I don’t know why. I didn’t sleep last night either, just had stressful dreams all night constantly waking me. So I should be asleep.
My friends and girlfriend all fell asleep I suppose. I’m left to sit here and wonder why. I didn’t write at first, I was so sure I was just gonna get tired. But it still has yet to happen. Usually I start getting sick and can’t swallow long before now. Nope. Just a bit off. Like it’s not me in here. Or rather no one is really in here. Not correctly. I just feel so distant from myself. It’s hard to explain. And I’m gonna have to go to work tomorrow and tell them my mom is in the ICU again and see what can be done. Maybe I risk my job with all the stuff going on lately, that’d be just another day as me too.
I just. Need everything to chill out. I was having some anxiety build up badly until today. Now it’s just like no one is home. I’m not anxious. I’m not stressed really. I’m not depressed. I’m just out of it.
I don’t think writing helped like I thought it would, but I guess that’s ok, ha, like the title says, results may vary.