I don’t know why I felt the need to write this. Especially so soon. But my mom is gone. That got so bad so fast. She died on her birthday. I’m going to miss her.
I’m tired. Like probably more than I have been in a time I can’t remember. Not in the “I’m depressed, I need to sleep” way, but in the “I’m doing my best to keep it together and if it weren’t for the random panic attack or the dog licking so loudly, I can’t hear my car alarm, I could get some damn shuteye” way.
My mom has gotten a bit worse. She’s stable again, but worse than when she went in. It was nice to have people pray for me though. But fear has just been seizing me, sometimes after I have already fallen asleep for the night. My eyes are bloodshot and I have bags. There’s a little yellowish tinge all the way around them. My health wasn’t good before this and my standing in my job was iffy. I was tired, but I could sleep if I didn’t sleep the night before? Now? I’ve got like one good night’s rest in the past week. And actually that was in the middle of the day.
My mom’s gonna be ok. But there’s so much going on in my head, I can’t keep up. And I don’t get good rest. Tonight I’m taking a larger dose of my meds I think. My doctor prescribed it. Between her and my health, and work, and the denial of admission to try get back to school. Been a rough time. But then today one of the people I work with, who is above me actually says to me that she thinks I need to apply for an upcoming position. Not her position per se, but the same one, it pays better, it’s higher up, she wanted to let me know there would be one or two to fill and before anything was official to keep my eyes peeled because they wanted me. I guess I do my work well. Or. Their work well.
To put into perspective. I do phone tech support. I’m a grunt, been there just a couple months, they want me to take escalated calls. I guess I talk people down well. Know my rhetoric. Which normally, this would be awesome, but I have to meet some amount of attendance compliance, which is the kicker. My mom’s health comes first. But after losing the opportunity to return to school right now, I should really try. But then where does my health come in?
I need day to rest. Just rest. I won’t, because my mom and everything. But I know I need it.
I’m at my mom’s house a lot right now. My room is scattered and stacked with collectibles and boxes filled with collectibles. Under the bed is boxes and boxes of comics. In the hall is a curio filled with more, you guessed it, collectibles. I’m reminded I’m just a child. Even 25, I’m just a damned kid. I’m not prepared to take on the world without a mom. And that fear keeps seizing me. And then wave after wave of terrible thoughts hit and overwhelm.
Even just taking responsibility for myself and another would be a lot to handle without her. But then I have to take care of my dad too. Other family my mom has taken up the mantle to take care of. No wonder she’s had a heart attack…
But right now. Just wish I wasn’t so tired.