It’s Been a While

Why am I even here? I just as soon slink into non-existence if I could.

Depression. It always seems to find me right around this time of year. Sure, before I was on a less than working treatment. But it still hits hard, like a slugger deciding it’s a homerun or bust.  My mom died a year ago. A year and two days really. Again. It was on her birthday. Facebook made sure I couldn’t forget that.  It hurt. I don’t want something to remind me to wish her happy birthday, she’s fucking dead.

But what do you do? I grimaced. I was getting ready for school, I couldn’t falter that early in the day. That was two days ago. I also accidentally stumbled on my text thread with her on my phone. A lot of “Thanks mom”. She would write awkward reminders to tell me to do something or that a package arrived. “Thanks mom”.

But when she was here, we were constantly fighting. I tried to justify a lot of it. Some of it was valid, sure, but me and her were both broken. Especially when February came around. Because that’s also when my dad had his accident. I miss him too. Now he’s actually dead and I am actually relieved in that respect. I think I fucked up my childhood somewhere. I can’t see stuffed animals or children’s toys without feeling some weird sudden obligation to cry.

And oh yeah, there was that whole engagement thing I did in February. That was supposed to infuse some positive emotion to the month.  7 years or something like that, and it spiraled out so suddenly. Don’t get me wrong. I’m better for having moved on from that relationship, we weren’t right for each other at that point. I think we both saw that. We wanted the other to be someone we weren’t. But that still makes a wonderful pang when I think about it. It hurts. I don’t know how long til that goes away.

Oh and I thought I did okay a couple days ago when I came home from work, only having cried a little during the day. But then in the night I got sick, I think I started running a fever. I was convincing myself to not throw up because I needed my meds to stay down for a number of reasons. But chills shook me violently and painfully between 11pm and 3am. They finally died down and I felt incredibly sick and not rested yesterday. I forced myself to go to school anyway, like a good student, to just get attendance. I don’t remember much for doing that either. Still haven’t eaten since Monday evening. I feel like shit warmed over.

But then I get up today, this morning, determined for it to be better. I start off the day early with an interview for a job I really want, and I’m super grateful that I’m feeling mostly better. Then I’m slightly dreading work after school because it’s inventory at my job and I have to be there very late, when I have to be up very early tomorrow and my sleep stuff is still not figured out.  Some point during the day I get a terrible pain in my back, still have it, just came out of nowhere.

But I make it home regardless to let my awesome dog out of captivity (we’ll get there in a second). Blow for blow, this day is going okay. Then I get to my room and remember, for some reason last night I pissed my bed. As an adult. I had zero awareness of it until it was time to get up and I was even doing that late. So I just dressed up, locked the dog in the crate and took off. Now I am back home in my room and I can smell the piss. So I have to move everything off the bed with my hurt back, remove the sheets and put new ones on, which is harder than it sounds because I can’t actually just go from one side of the bed to the other, again I strain my back, but I remind myself it’s okay, you don’t want to remember later on, you piss your bed at night.

So yeah, that happens, I magically get my necessary homework done, watch some anime, take off to work. Work hurt me further, but that was okay, it was money for it, but I was really looking forward to getting off work.

Right before I get off, I get a notification of what my dog did for damage. I apologize for her and promise to fix it. I thought she was in my room where I left her. Turns out my roommate/cousin/landlord felt more comfortable placing her in the crate. That’s totally cool, that’s why we have it, and she’s more restrained there. She is a problem dog that we have been working on trying to figure out options.  But yeah, breaks out of the crate, no signs of where she moved it or how, just outside. I don’t want to lose her. But having done what we’ve done and it not work, I think there’s not any other option. So not only has my week been shitty, but every time I was willing to see positives, I get bitch slapped by Reality, reminding me that I’m his whore to do with as he pleases.

Too long didn’t read? TL:DR? Fuck life. Not only is this week particularly shitty, this is turning to just force February into my cursing vernacular. There’s nothing good here. I feel fucking exhausted, bawling my eyes out. And I can’t fix it. She’s gotta go. I don’t have much to lose, but every time I think I’m okay, shit like this happens.

 

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