Category Archives: Thoughts

They Scratch.

The thoughts. Aching to break loose, manifest and be digested. They itch. I should let them out. But every time I set about to do so, they fail me. Like people that were interested in your birthday when that really popular kid was going, but then they realized it was just a ruse. (I didn’t know until my birthday that James wasn’t coming, thanks mom for lying).

No. Seriously though. I need to let loose some of this energy. Whatever the reason. I just about ran out of meds and had canceled the last doctor’s appointment the way it conflicted with my schedule for my new job, which is great by the way. But now I go in Friday to touch base and get a new prescription, life is good.

More than that, I realize how quickly my girlfriend has become an inseparable part of me and my day. I look forward to those brief disgustingly cute exchanges we have before we both settle into the thought that we are glad we found each other. Things moved fast, in lots of ways. But, I can’t say it would have done it any differently, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.

I had a minor depressive episode lately. In it, I took up a random rhetorical analysis and disagreement online. One of the ways my depressive episodes manifest is obsession, and I was obsessed with the idea, I was going to prove somebody wrong. I dropped it. Because I’m better than that. My morals somehow triumphed, and I just walked away. Only after spending almost 2 hours to write 2600 words of why I was correct and they were wrong. Breaking apart their own words and providing an analysis of my own. I just never used it, deleted the words and mostly put it out of mind.

That’s good. That’s progress, haha, no matter how small. I’m a good person. I am. I’m tired of being so terribly humble and convincing myself that anyone would do these things or offer these things, when the fact is, I am in a minority. Everyone likes to believe they are a good person. But so few are.

I used to be Catholic. Now? Not so much. I still go to church. A Christian church, but not a Catholic one. Mass so inconsistently connected with me. Even though in high school, going to a Catholic school afforded me opportunities to go into church often and pray, sometimes by myself. But now I’m closer to God. And it’s none of my business what anyone else believes in terms of being spiritual. I do not care except for the fact that some people can be brought to a better place with that in their life, no matter the focus. I do think that’s ok. I don’t push my views on anyone, I don’t judge for anyone not believing in mine. I do get frustrated when on a surface level I think about the various arguments in policies. As a country we will always be divisive, that’s part of how a democracy operates. It needs to shift back and forth to maintain some level of balance before it inevitably crumbles from some other type of strain.

But for now. I just need to be a good person. I don’t need to incite my fellow man. I don’t need to tell everyone or even think when some people are wrong. For the most part, I can’t change that. Those people won’t change the way they think, and to be honest, if it isn’t hurting somebody, should I really care?

There’s this odd amorphous shift in the way I start viewing things. I still wince when people say something about kids need to toughen up because bullying was worse in their day. I think it’s mighty shitty of adults to straight up put blame on the victimized children. To compare themselves is inconceivable to me. Now, I do agree that if kids that are being bullied, were better equipped to deal with it, it could go better. That could mean martial arts, it could mean confidence, a lot of things. So in some ways I see the hypersensitivity, but adults simply saying bullying is part of life and that kids should just get used to it is a frustrating mentality. So there are a few things that set still set me off. I was bullied. A ton. It sucked. No one stood up for me. Eventually I stood up for myself.

There’s a lot more to that story. I wanted to kill my bullies. Literally. Firearms and the whole shebang. Not every kid can be backed into a corner and come out ok, and I think adults shouldn’t be so asinine. Now I forgot what I was originally going to talk about. It was gonna be about my shift in philosophy in an individual level. But I hit one of my triggers I guess haha.

Using that word, “trigger”, another one comes to mind. And suddenly this entire post starts devolving around me. Let’s try to bring it back.

I work in a call center now. I don’t mind dealing with people on the phone. I thought it would stress the bejeezus out of me, but it doesn’t. Funny thing happens when you empathize, truly empathize. You can understand the person on the other end. They may be weird as Hell, or have a problem, you never could, but that’s their role to call you they feel, and it is your role to assist. I don’t get the people I see as I walk around who make violent pantomimes or flip the birds to the phone after a call concludes.

No one is being hurt. And if you can empathize, the job isn’t hard. I still get angry. I still have a cauldron full of social issues that boil over, but even in the people I can’t disagree more with, I cannot harbor an anger. Again, the caveat, that their actions or opinions are not hurting anyone. I am finding the ability to love people no matter what. As I find the inclination to love a woman more than I would have thought possible with the way things have been. And as I find the strength to love myself.

I deserve to be here. I deserve to be more. I owe it to myself. But what is more? That’s my call. Right now. That’s a wonderful boyfriend. A patient son. A damn good charitable soul and someone who can turn a call around. It doesn’t need a lot of money for me to be more. It doesn’t need a fancy paper telling me I’m qualified. My success is my happiness. And I’ll be damned, but I’m bloody happy.

Anytime I write that. You can’t begin to imagine how wonderful it is to stare at those words knowing the truth in them. Or maybe you can. Maybe that’s something you know all too well. Or believe that you could never know for any reason. I’d be right there with you half a year ago. Wondering when I could just let it all go. No life is worth losing. As someone who has been all sorts of dark places in their own mind, I consider it a statistical anomaly that the only real problem I seem to have is random binges of porn. I should be a drug addict. I should be an alcoholic. I shouldn’t be alive. I shouldn’t be happy. But, just listen to me. I am.

Now, I know I don’t carry the weight in my words I would like. And I know there are so few who will actually read this. But I’m a good person, and I love people. No matter how weird. So, if you ever need an objective opinion, a person to talk to, somebody to console you. I’m here. Don’t hesitate. I don’t expect anyone to ever take me up on this offer, but it is sincere, I won’t material needs, but I will do what I can to help. Consider that my gift to anyone who needs it. I was crazy once. Still am by some standards. But, doesn’t mean I can’t be stable, doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. I would love to help someone achieve that, so I’m here.

That may have taken an odd turn I guess. I should write more. To try to support people who might read this but not have that bit of courage to say something. Maybe I will. I certainly want to. The dark times have passed, and even should they return, I shall not fear any longer.

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A funny way to show it

It’s odd when I’m doing well. Everything falls into line. Instead of coming on here to rant and rave and detail something that happened. I talk to my girlfriend, my friends. I make plans. I go out.

As much as I want to write consistently, I don’t. I would love it. Maybe I’ll get the hang of it eventually. Interesting problem not writing caused though.

Yesterday a post went up. It was password protected and all that, but it is supposed to go live in the event of something like my untimely demise. Obviously. I’m still alive and well. Perhaps TOO alive. Obviously I got problems from it.

You know what though? Things are looking up even more. I just nailed a job I really wanted that I thought I missed out on. Considering I had a felony charge, it’s amazing I passed the background check (I sure as Hell didn’t when I applied to work at the other Target in town).

There’s a crap load of bad things happening really. But it’s all I can do to not get caught up in them. Focus on the positive. I got a job despite terrible odds. Also, my charges for the felony got dropped.

Ok, so I’ve kind of been waiting for this to happen so I would feel okay writing about it. I was concerned it might reflect poorly to write about it in anyway while the case was still ongoing. But now it’s been dismissed. Although now my potency in presentation will be lacking, let me try to dazzle you.

If you’re a reader (or a friend) you might know I had a suicide attempt back in April. I took a lot of pills. I apparently got way closer to death than I thought. I started to lose consciousness shortly after admission to the ER. I remember being handed a a drink and told to drink as much of it as I could, as fast as I could. It tasted like chalky chocolate (chalkolate?) milk. I then remember trying to say words, and only slurs were coming out. There was a rush of noise and discussion and activity. Then nothing I guess.

At some point my consciousness surfaces. I reach down and pull a urinary catheter, and the pain alerts me. I should clarify, I didn’t intend to pull it, it just happened and when it did happen, I was temporarily alarmed and alerted.

There’s shouting. A man is telling me to relax. There’s some sort of effort to reassure me of something. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t think I’m doing anything. It should also be noted I was a point away from being considered in a coma on their scale (although, my research indicates the scale they used was inappropriate for the context).

Next thing I know. Pain. Everywhere. Screaming. Someone Angry. Feels like I just got tackled. As best I can tell someone is standing on me and thrust my face into the ground. I get terrified. I think I’m dying. In pain and minimal faculties to comprehend the situation.

And then I hear it. Like a bad dream I cannot forget.
“You deserve this! You did this to yourself!”

I tried so hard to cry out. I tried so hard to be heard. But my face was just pressed more and more into the floor and I felt like I was suffocating. Then. Nothing.

I woke up a couple more times because of the catheter thing (no idea why I kept doing that, it hurt). Eventually I briefly came to fully and my mom was on my left. The last thing I remembered surfaced and I tried very hard to whisper to my mom.

“Mom. I think someone assaulted me.”

She thought I was joking. She convinced me it was a bad dream. She said the doctors did say I fell out of bed though and that’s how I got my black eye. Can you see where this is going?

So I spend a couple more days recovering, go to an observation center voluntarily. Sleep most of the time I’m there, then I go home. I get back in touch with work and friends. Give some excuse to my leaders about being in the hospital. Tell only my closest friends the reality of the situation. I even wrote about it here some.

Still. I couldn’t get that odd memory out of my head. The really terrible dream I must have had.

Fast forward 3 months.

My mom is driving and she gets caught speeding. She gets pulled over. I kindly show my license to the officer and am ribbing my mom about speeding. I get asked to step outside of the car. If I have any weapons on me. I comply, and had no weapons.

I’m a little confused at this point. I get asked to empty my pockets and remove my watch. Now I know where this is going, but I have no idea why.

“Would you step over here with me sir?” The officer asks while leading me towards his car. “Want to tell me what happened the other day?”
“I’m sorry?”
“The other day, you punched and bit a cop.”
“No sir. I think you might have something mixed up”
“No, it’s you, I ran it right.”
“I really don’t know how”
“Well I’m going to have to take you in. Do you understand that?”
“I guess. I didn’t do anything though” (I’m sure he heard that a lot).

I put my hands behind my back. Got in the police car and took a ride to jail (More on that jail visit another time). The entire experience was frustrating. I was so certain it was a mistake and that something was going to clear up at any moment.

After I got out of jail, I got access to things such as the indictment. I was told about the police report.  I realized that it happened in the hospital and that encounter that was a very vivid and yet somehow cloudy dream was real. I was whipped out of bed after biting an off duty officer who for some reason was trying to restrain me and I had no control when I ended up biting him.

The summary of his police report indicated he was following procedure to restrain me. I would argue that he wasn’t if I managed to bite him. I can’t imagine I was very dexterous or sudden in my attempt to do so.  He interviewed no body. No one was listed as a witness. It was him writing up his own report and getting it signed off on. His report included a description of his visit to get his hand checked out because he was certain I broke it. The skin was not even broken and there was no visual bruising as informed by the doc he saw. I’m sorry, I really hate to insult people, but he also caused a huge issue for me. And I’m sorry that I hurt him, I am, but he didn’t handle it appropriately. He was wimp. I want to use a different and more derogatory word there, but maybe I have to good graces to avoid that.

So yeah. He was told nothing was wrong with his hand. So he filed assault on me. I want it clear, I didn’t even know there was ever an altercation.  I was the one who ended up with bruising, a black eye and head that hurt for days. OH, and get this. So the date of the incident report was sometime in April. They had footage of the incident. But didn’t request it. So it wasn’t in prosecutor’s possession. It was deleted 60 days following the incident. So let’s assume mid June. The indictment, that I had no idea was even coming to be a thing, was made sometiime early June. I never knew. No one told me and I had no reason to look for or follow up on.

Until the arrest. And you’ll recall, that was July 3rd. Well after the 60 day period that video would be held for. The officer and prosecution never sought the video. One can only wonder why. I couldn’t have access to it so long after the incident, so any evidence in my favor is now gone. It’s the fantastic police work here that makes me at least examine any criminal case.

We got my medical reports. Nothing about an incident where I fell. I think that should have been in there. Nor was there an explanation or an order for my restraints (also should have been in there). There is 2 pages in it that reference getting a CT scan. Why? “Acute head injury”. It’s not common practice to get a CT scan for an overdose. I needed one because I “fell” out of bed. But, there’s no mention of that fall anywhere in the medical records of my hospitalization. My mom was just told that I fell out of bed and they were concerned about a head injury.

Does this all click together in a very unique way for you? It does for me.

But you know. I’M the bad guy here. I also had to be turned down for jobs when I have a felony case pending. I’ve got evidence that happened. Wonderful. So it’s nice to have that dropped finally. Also I trust police a lot less (and I didn’t trust them much to begin with). I know there are some good officers out there, but from what I have pieced together, there was no reason for things to go that way.

Anyway. It’s behind me now. That officer can bite me (and then I’ll charge him). But I wanted to write for a bit, so since that’s over, I figured I could do it. Next time, I’ll write some about my actual night in jail. It’s not so interesting, but it did make me think some things.

Until then. Ya’ll keep your noses clean.

It’s One of Those…

One of those nights where I still find myself up at past 3 in the morning. It was, IS a good day/night. I just find myself wanting to write. About anything. I still have a plans for a couple posts, but this is one of those spontaneous bits. In fact, I half believe I’m going to succumb to exhaustion midway and just click my light off and roll into bed, letting this be one of the now dozens of drafts I have adding up.

My girlfriend is awesome. Maybe that’s what I want to write about. Who knows? I gotta say, it’s damned remarkable to be how I am right now. It’s so wonderful too. I’ve never been a person very close to God. And I’ve always seen spirituality and religion as a personal thing, I still do. I don’t believe in the judgment of others though, even if the leader of my local doctrine does. (Not saying anything about my church now, just a general statement)

But, I have always known God to be “there”. Something I inherently believe in. There were times I would doubt. There were plenty. There were times I questioned it and prayed for an answer, some divine revelation. I feel I got it. Maybe some people can write my experience off as coincidence, but it’s meaningful enough to me, and that’s all that matters. And now my relationship with God is getting better. This is in part to my girlfriend, a big part, in a non-pushing sort of way. She knows that much. And I’m confident she’ll be thrilled to know the next, because as far as I know, I haven’t told her about this yet.

A while before my suicide attempt I made a prayer. To ask God for a “guide”, for someone to help me walk a more “righteous” path, a holy one. I immediately took shelter in a “sign”. It was just me rationalizing though. Explaining why it was a sign to get what I wanted. It ultimately went no where, and I have nothing to show for it. But just in the days leading up to when I met this wonderful woman, I started to recall the thought. And I once again, prayed for someone to help center me and help me be a more holy person. (I’m sorry if people not of faith find this off-putting, not the intent, this is my path, and everyone else has theirs, I respect and welcome that).

Within all the days that I spent informing my friends and self that I was not going to date. I was going to sit it out for a bit, I did a short prayer one day. I asked God for a guide again, not knowing what to expect if anything. And then I met her. And our first date, she got excited and talked about a personal and holy experience. I think she thought I would think it was weird. I shared mine. Already being filled with the energy that maybe there’s something here in response to my prayer.

We haven’t known each other long. There’s a lot about her that is mysteriously enthralling. There’s some about her that’s obvious as to why I can fall so easy. She’s a nerd. Smart, beautiful, absolutely silly, gives me the impression she just loves life. She’s empathetic, and wisened, but she’s got room for error too. All in all, she’s a person I can truly connect with on so many levels. And. She’s an answer to my prayer.

I just know it.

I hesitated to mention or write this, because I wanted it to be clear I wasn’t idolizing her or placing her on a pedestal. That’s not what this is though, and I’m certain she can see that. This is just a very good answer and exploration in my faith. While also being a really rad lady I can spend time with.

You know, I thought I was going to spend time writing about how she makes me feel and explaining, or trying to explain why I could fall in love so fast. That it was scary and exciting and that I had no regrets.

But. I think I like what I wrote there. I think that’s simple, and maybe not the most interesting thing to just anyone, but it speaks to my healing. And it speaks to my current placement. As well as how great she is. So I think that’ll do.

Yes. I definitely love her. I’ll be damned if love isn’t the most scary/wonderful thing I know of.

A Blissful Return

Been a while since I wrote, still have several posts on the burners. But I’m sort of back now from my hiatus. I took a family trip and quit my job and many, many other things. I still need to write a post to “accept” an award I was nominated for. That’s still on my to do list. But for now, words!

I promised my now girlfriend I we would hold each other accountable for writing so often and I haven’t held up my end for a bit. I have lots more drafts stacked up and each one prematurely ended or suspended, not ready for release into the wild. But, let me just do an update maybe?

There’s not been a whole lot pressing matters going on, nothing too reflective spinning around the ol’ custard bowl, but I can tell everyone (whoever that is) what’s been going on, well, some of it, I still can’t talk about (like my trip to jail and pending court case). I have a girlfriend though. Now that’s a thing. And I couldn’t be more happy. I told myself I wouldn’t date, that I was not interested, I told others too, my friends and such. I can honestly say, she has caught me completely off guard.

It’s been like a month since our first date. A month since I felt the need to return to church, and yes, I still pray most nights. Beyond that, she’s something of a marvel. She’s managed to lower my shields despite so many things in my head blaring eminent doom. Glad those warnings were apparently just a drill, everyone return to your stations!

Love. It’s a funny thing. A source of healing, motivation, anger, suffering, joy, expression, and so many others. And even more interesting, it hits you. You don’t always get a choice in this manner. It just straightens up and smacks you. You reel for a bit and wonder what’s going on before just becoming something of a slave to the idea that this person might just be the one for you.

I’ve never had anything happen so fast like that. But love? It doesn’t surprise me that it can do it, that it happens. And she’s pretty great, I’m not just some puppy-eyed fool falling for any girl who talks to him. She’s good for me in both a productive and spiritual way. In addition to how in tune we are with one another. I really could probably spend an hour or two just saying how awesome she is, but I think most readers understand it at this point.

I hope (and believe) she’s just as foolishly smitten as me. It’s a good feeling. It really is.

My ex decided to not continue our friendship, I completely get it. I think it was the relationship with my girlfriend that may have set her off and, that’s completely understandable, given the length of our relationship and everything. I hope she can one day reconcile and we can be friends, but until that day, I wish her the best of luck and good fortune and hope she can get that healing she needs.

On a professional note (is it professional) I am definitely planning to return to school in the Spring to continue my education. I’m a smart guy after all, I can do this. Ah! Just look at all the progress I’ve made in a few short months. I’m so much closer to the man I want to be. And also, happy. I’m really happy.

I know there are tough times ahead, but the good times seem to be outweighing them a bit at this point, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Mental illness is a tough thing. It’s far from one size fits all. And there’s a harsh stigma that goes along with it. I want to help end that. Even if it’s just help a person or two, people need to know it’s ok to be ill, that there are treatments for it. I wish all people had a good doctor and treatment from the get go, but it doesn’t seem to be that way. Just keep trying, life is such a terrible thing to waste.

Until next time, I wish everyone the best, I need to reboot my nerditorial and write a post to accept my award, so maybe look for those soon!

With love and small semblance of sanity, I bid ya’ll adieu.

Where’s the Kicker?

I was supposed to write another post today. Part of my largely unread series of the “Nerditorial”. Couldn’t decide what it would be about. Maybe I’ll make it tomorrow or some grand post next week. I haven’t really been busy, just able to preoccupy myself without wanting to write words.

Well… Actually that’s not true. I have started something I have termed “The Legacy Initiative”. It’s essentially heartfelt last words, requests and the like and will be presented in the event of my demise. Working on coding the delivery system myself.

So I’ve written a few thousand words in that regard. Maybe that worded me out for a bit because I didn’t feel much like posting this week. But here it is, the obligatory post.

Still doing grand, had a few hiccups in my opinion this past week, but nothing major. Still largely energetic and hopeful and considerably seemingly manic. My joints still hurt from whatever I got going on with me physically, but I’m doing my best to pay it no mind.

Beautiful words struck at me again and again this week. But as I attempted to manifest them…

They just…
…floated…
…floated…
floated away.
In an attempt to escape their paper prison.
I tried so hard to tame them. Begged them to remain until I erected a requiem. But they seemed the master of their own purpose. So I gave up, at least able to admire in the wonder and beauty and remnants left behind.

Some of them were songs. I just wrote songs in my head while I worked. Beautiful things, I liked what I had accomplished. And as my mind darted about the day, the song was just flittering away, leaving me only with a few lines and a chorus, and certainly no real musicality to it.

But, what can I do? I am content that I at least seem capable of this creation, even if only temporary and even if it can never be shared.

Certainly frustrating, but also quite soothing once I was able to accept it for what it is.

Anyway… My meds have me thinking the most clear I have in a really long time. Wanting to do projects and interact with friends. I’m even working out how to return to school to finish my computer science degree. Certainly my talent is squandered in the field of retail.

There have been interesting strangers in my life. I’ve had not once, but several times the situation where someone I don’t know approaches me and verbalizes that I am destined for greatness. I have had others with me, friends usually that can verify some of these encounters. I always dismissed it of course, just eccentric rambling. But I wonder how many people I know have had these same encounters. I would expect it to be similar, but in my search and conversation over the material, it’s very slim.

It seems silly, but maybe there was something about me, IS something about me that can be great. I would like to champion the cause of mental health. That’s an important goal to me. I would love to be an integral part of the community. I want to stay humble in my purpose though. While I intend to be only slightly better than human, I do not wish to forget all the help I’ve had getting here. And everyone is equal, even when I strive to be better than most.

To obviously better days, even should they remain cloudy, I will stand steadfast in my cause, and will be a champion of sorts.

Back to the Old (In perhaps the best of ways)

I’m here. Doing well, time for some more introspective, doesn’t that sound delightful? I got my music blasting a mix of nerdcore and 8-bit sounds (chiptunes (also Anamanaguchi is great, look em up if you like the old arcade style music)). I am on solid ground if only for the moment, I’m not letting this abate easily, nor am I choosing to waste it.

Trying to write more on here since it feels it has been a great direction of my recent misgivings, thoughts, and ideas, and does wonders for my attitude. So I have a few things jotted down on a list to start tacking away about.

Tonight? How people live their lives. I’m of the opinion there are 5 major ways a person can live out their life. Not sure what I’m going to write about this beyond that, that’s all that’s on the list. The 5 ways? Well, let’s just jump into it.

There’s the Escapist. The escapist usually hates their current surroundings or situation, and does what he or she can to flee to another world. Sometimes this is represented in a slacker or bookworm who has nothing more than a astounding number of stories committed to memories to show for his life. Maybe the Escapist has formed an addiction of sort, whether it’s drugs, love, porn, or something else. The Escapist just dreams of a better place in whatever way he can find it.

There’s the Hedonist. She loves life and is willing to try anything once. After all, one’s all you got. She might be a daredevil or someone who doesn’t make heavy commitments and just tries to live in the moment. She also probably has traveled or tried lots of food and is definitely a good friend to have when you want to know if something is authentic enough. Essentially, she just lives life to live it believing that a life not lived is not a life at all.

There’s the Afterlifer. He might be a “bible thumper” or a legitimately good Samaritan. This person is likely to do his best to live his life in accordance with some set of principles, likely religious, that indicate his quality of being after he dies. He is likely to have a solemn life, but believes his riches will come later and that “this” life is rather fleeting and without reward on its own.

There’s the Legacy Author. She lives her life to leave something behind. She likely is a very idealistic person, and has some ultimate goal of accomplishing or setting the bits in place to accomplish. She may want to leave her family a vast fortune to not worry about the harsher side of life, or she might be very socially aware and be trying to manufacture solutions to problems that she felt needed to be overcome. She lives her life with a constant goal in mind, and though may deviate from this on occasion, it usually is still playing some role in her decisions and actions.

Then there’s the Ambitious. I would argue he is the same as the Legacy Author in his style of living, but is more motivated by personal glory, fame, or power. He can be very similar to the Legacy Author, but may approach problems differently if the interest in it does not impact his own coffers or ability to progress forward. He’s probably the one a lot of idealists will refer to as power hungry or greedy.

Really there is no one correct way to go through life and chances are you position yourselves differently between these five roles depending on your current situation. I can imagine a few more that should play an important role in the way someone decides to live, but I think I can squish them into one of those 5 roles above for the most part. I think it’s important to reflect that my goals and your goals or anyone’s goals and motivations are different and that’s not inherently contradictory. We can all live a better world if we better understand ourselves and others.

This was a light version of the mildly tumbling philosophies that roll around in my mind. I hope it’s a conversation starter for anyone who reads this and more importantly to me, this is a sign my head’s doing well enough to consider other problems or thoughts that aren’t related to me being bipolar, and that’s an awesome thing even if no one else finds this post interesting. I would like to end this with saying I believe I shift between a Legacy Author, Escapist and Afterlifer depending on what’s going on in my life, right now I’m wanting to leave the world a better place than when I came into it, so I’d argue it’s legacy author for the time being.

Splay It Out

There are some things I hide very well. Some things I don’t wish to discuss the finer details with anyone, even a counselor. But, let me do my best here and now to get this weight off my shoulders without feeling like a lunatic.

People. There’s a reason I both consider them toxic and myself to them. There’s plenty of reasons why I hesitate to get close to people, and yet I still manage to do so every now and again.

Mostly when I talk about my problems I suggest it’s unknown why I try to push people away, that’s just the ‘episode’ talking or whatever. I try to delegate the accountability somewhere where it’s a gray area and just play the ignorant fool. But here’s the thing, I know why I push people away. I know why I find people insufferable or consider myself to be damaging their lives or at the very least my relationship with them. Granted, knowing the reason for those things doesn’t help me understand the origin of it.

I often want to hurt people. I mean, maybe it’s not “me” per se, but it goes through my head as though it’s one of my thoughts. Actually it’s more like a dream or a fantasy. One that does not align with at all who I am. It’s not general stuff like “I want her to hurt” or “I don’t like what he did, hope he has it comin’ to him”.
It’s very specific stuff. Usually physical, sometimes psychological or emotional.

See, I get these… “plans”? I don’t know where they come from really, but they’re there. Sometimes it’s beating the living shit out of a person, accounting for their strengths and weaknesses, how to most effectively assault them and whether that includes isolation and how to achieve that. Maybe I have a weapon this time or the next and I can see myself plunging the knife into them. It scares the right fuck out of me. Sometimes I cook up these ideas that can ruin their life, long term plans to sit on and implement. It should be said I never act on any of these, and that’s why I try so hard to remind myself I’m still a good person, but have a difficulty believing it. There are some really dark thoughts I’ve had about harming people, people I love.

My girlfriend suggested this was an aggressive OCD, maybe, I dunno. Often I turn that hate on myself to bear when my mind is telling me these disgusting things. I’m quite surprised that self harm hasn’t played a larger role in my life. All of this did recently culminate in my attempted suicide I guess though, so there’s that.

If anyone who knows me personally is reading this, you’ll recall I’ve wondered how close to a sociopath I am, and this is the reason why. Because I dream of violent things that I’d sooner die than commit. Because something in my head is wrong when I get close to a person I imagine the things that I would do to cause the most harm…

Thankfully though, I’ve had none, absolutely none of these thoughts since being on the new meds, Seraquil I think. It seems to be doing wonders for now. I hope I can continue this ride to a better me, because I don’t want to fall back to the way things were, I may have seemed strong in moments, but that was always right there in my mind, terrifying me. It was especially bad if I felt like someone hurt me.

Anyway… I don’t dare detail the darkest of these thoughts, but I want to say that they aren’t “mine” anyway, and maybe it’s enough to just know that someone who cares about me is reading this and can better understand me.