Tag Archives: Change

A Fresh Look on Things

As the semester comes to a close, there is a certain level of stress that comes with that.  Oh, but this is a special amount of super stress.

I just returned to my university to continue the program I stopped a few years ago, studying computer science. Boy are some of these classes making me take a beating. Sometimes it is nice to see that even years out of college, I am still occasionally having the highest scored test in the class.  I’m still getting mainly As and Bs, but there have been some Cs, Ds, and even Fs.

I have many classes that I don’t even stay awake in anymore. I had been trying to address my sleep issue before returning to school, but no such luck. And now I’m scraping and clawing to pass. I guess if I don’t I’ll handle that then.

But, behold a bright side! I had sleep study done a week ago.  My doctor indicated Friday that I have narcolepsy. I’m going in tomorrow to discuss option for treatment. It’s a bit late into the semester, but, hell I’m getting answers!

Oh and added to my stress, a week ago Thursday, I found a lump on one of my testicles. I rationally knew it was a cyst, but that fear crept in that it was cancer. I endured a week of being unable to focus on anything else. But I got my answer before the weekend confirmed it was a cyst.

I’m also trying to move into a new place with my fiance, there have been additional events precipitating the extra need to move in with her, not good things. But hell, again, some of this change is good, even if bad change walks along side it.

I have friends and family that won’t let me down and I will find my way, I’ve come out of far worse, and I’ve endured it all.

Here’s to the new things, the fresh perspective on which I will build my life.

The Odd One In

I feel that’s as apt a description as they come. I’m the odd guy. The nay-sayer of social networking and paradigms. The guy who goes against the grain, not because “he can”, but, because his values somehow formed that way. I don’t believe chivalry is dead as I have noted more than a handful of times. I don’t believe there is a mainstream capacity of society that really enriches and embraces who I am. I don’t believe kindness should go viral and I think we all owe it to each other to be empathetic in times of need.

It’s some odd development that leads me to understand, I’m the weird one, in the kind of way that almost everybody loves. I can fit in. Yet, I don’t want to. Maybe, it’s this anti-culture movement that allows for me to sway from one side to the other, not caring, nor missing a beat if I should declare myself eligible.

I feel more independent and freed than ever. I feel like I can take on the world. Usually I feel like this is my mania setting in, and then paranoia creeps up and slaps me back down to the trough. But, this is sustained. I can feel it, I know it. In a world where nothing was ever absolute to me, I see what I’ve never seen in me before, and I love it. I feel reborn, renewed to fight the day with unending strength.

And when I waiver, I don’t fall, I’ve come to reinforce it. There’s been a few people in my life that got me here. One particular lady, that for reasons I can’t fully explain or comprehend has served as a most wondrous catalyst. It feels unfair to call her a friend. Even best friend does not do her justice. But, I know now my time is not to be spent on that matter or any tangential one.

My time is to be spent on me. Molding and creating myself anew. I can be what I have needed me to be. I don’t need others, but can embrace them. I’m wonderful. I am wonderful.

I am wonderful.

I feel ready. To take on the world. To not let up. I’ve been weak. I’ve been full of excuses, rationalizations, taking comfort in other’s pity. No, not any longer. I’m me. Even when I was weak, I was full of the things I admired. I have made mistakes, but I have learned from them. I carry that with me, and mold myself to something new, better. Not for anyone else.

When this started, I wanted to be better for her. Then I wanted to be better for someone like her when the chance came along. Now, I will be better, but, not for anyone other than myself. And when, not if, my future lady enters, I will be full of all the confidence, and romance, and care and love that one body can muster. I feel it intuitively. I know it within. And that’s something to be happy about.