Tag Archives: happiness

Still Around

I owe myself a proper commitment to this blog. To the time set aside for breaking down things and putting them into proper perspective. I wish this was the time that I would truly hold to that. I don’t expect it though.

I’ve been around a lot lately. Just as much watching life happen as being a participant (sometimes unwillingly). What can you say when you’re troubled and have a list of bad things happen one after the other. I still am not over my mom’s death. I suppose that’s human. I’m not destroyed every day, in fact I can even listen to The Beatles most times without crying again. But there’s a lot up there in my mind. I lost my job because my sleep was practically gone.

I’d wake up and start passing out at the wheel almost immediately on the way to work. I’d pull over and just be right back into unconsciousness, struggling to come to for hours. Occasionally seizing awake to call work and update them on how late I’d be. Really endears you to employers (don’t try it). I’d spend up to five hours in my car, not running, in Texas heat, with just the windows cracked enough to ventilate. I would be frequently drenched in sweat before I fully came to a functioning place.

It’s strange. I guess I have always had sleep troubles but they’ve gotten a whole mess worse since my mom died. I remember lots of dreams. In particular I remember the one I had the day of my mom’s heart attack. And the number of nightmares I have had since involving her only continue to grow. But it’s scary when you find yourself passing out at the wheel regularly. I didn’t even always know I was passing out, I would actually feel my eyebrows straining my face before I realized my eyes closed. Just a reflex my face was making in an effort to open the damned things. Strange feeling, that.

Now I’m jobless. A year ago I paid a visit to jail. Shortly after I met a wonderful young woman who still somehow stands by my side. My one constant through this it might seem. I’ve seen the inside of a funeral home more than I ever care to for the rest of my life. I’ve been dealing with demons for a very long while and that has left some pretty nasty scars. They won’t be the last, but I’m not going to fear them.  In spite of all this disaster, I know I have God on my side. And He’s not always going to give me what I think I need, or maybe he will but not in the package I expect. But He’s never going to let me down.

I know that’s why Aaron means so much to me. She’s my best friend and excellent spiritual counsel among other titles. I’ll never be able to convey what she means to me, and maybe she’d say the same. So I’m glad I have her on my side too.

I sorted out some things that have been plaguing me a bit this week. Feel like I have a clear head today, can’t say I will tomorrow. I have a huge task list and not the least of which is find a new job. But I guess at least for now I have found some sense of peace, and just thought I’d like to write that down again. Maybe it’ll be months again before I post. Hopefully not. Maybe I can actually have interesting stories or something actually insightful instead of just vague words to match a vague mind.

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I’m supposed to write. or something.

Sometimes I get on here. And I write in a manic way. Words flow to me. Or not, but I need them to. Sometimes there is a very central topic on my mind. Sometimes there isn’t but in the course of typing, I make one.

This. I don’t think is those. My girlfriend is trying to get me to focus on writing more. Fictional stuff. Not bloggerific stuff. Not all the stuff that I say I will do and never do, stuff (unless I don’t do it). I like this.

Recently it has occurred to me how much I actually value writing. I used to say if there was one thing I could do in this life to make a living, it would be reading/learning something new every day. More and more, writing seems to be the great compromise for that. I don’t know how I would write professionally, in fact, I’m all but certain I can’t. But I need to try.

Maybe I’m skilled in analytical stuff. Problem solving, code, math, blah blah. Sometimes I write quite candidly, other times, with more prose. Sometimes words are hard, other times they come to me in dreams. (or showers) But, those are my daydreams. Expression. Words. I may be a terrible writer, but maybe I can write something. Maybe I shouldn’t shut myself down first.

Amidst all my health issues right now. I ought to give it a whirl. Who knows. Maybe it’d work out well.

They Scratch.

The thoughts. Aching to break loose, manifest and be digested. They itch. I should let them out. But every time I set about to do so, they fail me. Like people that were interested in your birthday when that really popular kid was going, but then they realized it was just a ruse. (I didn’t know until my birthday that James wasn’t coming, thanks mom for lying).

No. Seriously though. I need to let loose some of this energy. Whatever the reason. I just about ran out of meds and had canceled the last doctor’s appointment the way it conflicted with my schedule for my new job, which is great by the way. But now I go in Friday to touch base and get a new prescription, life is good.

More than that, I realize how quickly my girlfriend has become an inseparable part of me and my day. I look forward to those brief disgustingly cute exchanges we have before we both settle into the thought that we are glad we found each other. Things moved fast, in lots of ways. But, I can’t say it would have done it any differently, and I think that’s a beautiful thing.

I had a minor depressive episode lately. In it, I took up a random rhetorical analysis and disagreement online. One of the ways my depressive episodes manifest is obsession, and I was obsessed with the idea, I was going to prove somebody wrong. I dropped it. Because I’m better than that. My morals somehow triumphed, and I just walked away. Only after spending almost 2 hours to write 2600 words of why I was correct and they were wrong. Breaking apart their own words and providing an analysis of my own. I just never used it, deleted the words and mostly put it out of mind.

That’s good. That’s progress, haha, no matter how small. I’m a good person. I am. I’m tired of being so terribly humble and convincing myself that anyone would do these things or offer these things, when the fact is, I am in a minority. Everyone likes to believe they are a good person. But so few are.

I used to be Catholic. Now? Not so much. I still go to church. A Christian church, but not a Catholic one. Mass so inconsistently connected with me. Even though in high school, going to a Catholic school afforded me opportunities to go into church often and pray, sometimes by myself. But now I’m closer to God. And it’s none of my business what anyone else believes in terms of being spiritual. I do not care except for the fact that some people can be brought to a better place with that in their life, no matter the focus. I do think that’s ok. I don’t push my views on anyone, I don’t judge for anyone not believing in mine. I do get frustrated when on a surface level I think about the various arguments in policies. As a country we will always be divisive, that’s part of how a democracy operates. It needs to shift back and forth to maintain some level of balance before it inevitably crumbles from some other type of strain.

But for now. I just need to be a good person. I don’t need to incite my fellow man. I don’t need to tell everyone or even think when some people are wrong. For the most part, I can’t change that. Those people won’t change the way they think, and to be honest, if it isn’t hurting somebody, should I really care?

There’s this odd amorphous shift in the way I start viewing things. I still wince when people say something about kids need to toughen up because bullying was worse in their day. I think it’s mighty shitty of adults to straight up put blame on the victimized children. To compare themselves is inconceivable to me. Now, I do agree that if kids that are being bullied, were better equipped to deal with it, it could go better. That could mean martial arts, it could mean confidence, a lot of things. So in some ways I see the hypersensitivity, but adults simply saying bullying is part of life and that kids should just get used to it is a frustrating mentality. So there are a few things that set still set me off. I was bullied. A ton. It sucked. No one stood up for me. Eventually I stood up for myself.

There’s a lot more to that story. I wanted to kill my bullies. Literally. Firearms and the whole shebang. Not every kid can be backed into a corner and come out ok, and I think adults shouldn’t be so asinine. Now I forgot what I was originally going to talk about. It was gonna be about my shift in philosophy in an individual level. But I hit one of my triggers I guess haha.

Using that word, “trigger”, another one comes to mind. And suddenly this entire post starts devolving around me. Let’s try to bring it back.

I work in a call center now. I don’t mind dealing with people on the phone. I thought it would stress the bejeezus out of me, but it doesn’t. Funny thing happens when you empathize, truly empathize. You can understand the person on the other end. They may be weird as Hell, or have a problem, you never could, but that’s their role to call you they feel, and it is your role to assist. I don’t get the people I see as I walk around who make violent pantomimes or flip the birds to the phone after a call concludes.

No one is being hurt. And if you can empathize, the job isn’t hard. I still get angry. I still have a cauldron full of social issues that boil over, but even in the people I can’t disagree more with, I cannot harbor an anger. Again, the caveat, that their actions or opinions are not hurting anyone. I am finding the ability to love people no matter what. As I find the inclination to love a woman more than I would have thought possible with the way things have been. And as I find the strength to love myself.

I deserve to be here. I deserve to be more. I owe it to myself. But what is more? That’s my call. Right now. That’s a wonderful boyfriend. A patient son. A damn good charitable soul and someone who can turn a call around. It doesn’t need a lot of money for me to be more. It doesn’t need a fancy paper telling me I’m qualified. My success is my happiness. And I’ll be damned, but I’m bloody happy.

Anytime I write that. You can’t begin to imagine how wonderful it is to stare at those words knowing the truth in them. Or maybe you can. Maybe that’s something you know all too well. Or believe that you could never know for any reason. I’d be right there with you half a year ago. Wondering when I could just let it all go. No life is worth losing. As someone who has been all sorts of dark places in their own mind, I consider it a statistical anomaly that the only real problem I seem to have is random binges of porn. I should be a drug addict. I should be an alcoholic. I shouldn’t be alive. I shouldn’t be happy. But, just listen to me. I am.

Now, I know I don’t carry the weight in my words I would like. And I know there are so few who will actually read this. But I’m a good person, and I love people. No matter how weird. So, if you ever need an objective opinion, a person to talk to, somebody to console you. I’m here. Don’t hesitate. I don’t expect anyone to ever take me up on this offer, but it is sincere, I won’t material needs, but I will do what I can to help. Consider that my gift to anyone who needs it. I was crazy once. Still am by some standards. But, doesn’t mean I can’t be stable, doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. I would love to help someone achieve that, so I’m here.

That may have taken an odd turn I guess. I should write more. To try to support people who might read this but not have that bit of courage to say something. Maybe I will. I certainly want to. The dark times have passed, and even should they return, I shall not fear any longer.

Here we go

Maybe good fortune will shine on me as I try my sworn post again. (clicking save draft every couple sentences). It was my birthday. Turned 25. I said I did nothing special, like the rest of my birthdays in recent times. But, I ought to take that back.

I spent my evening with a woman I’m still tripping madly for. I get the feeling it’s the same for her towards me. I dunno. It’s a reminder of renewal.

I left with that in mind. Then I came home and got in touch with a childhood friend. This idea of renewal rolls over. I’m making promises to him to stay in touch more. I hope I do. He doesn’t know his value to me. But it’s there. He’d still be a groomsman at my wedding. Even if he looked perhaps a bit out of place.

I’m actually talking to him in between writing sentences on here and it’s pretty cool, just talking about nothing in particular now. It’s a nice respite coupled with my lovely birthday evening from the recent events that have been going on.

So much going on. Need a new job. But even that might not happen anytime soon. Pro tip, when you quit a company for dissenting philosophy, have an exit strategy. I know so many of you said that, but now I’m really feeling the burn. My last post was supposed to have touched on this. before it went up in flames. (clicking save draft for the 6th time since the start)

It also touched on acceptance. Of things intended but never achieved. I need to be ok with that. I’m still a good person. If I want, they will get done in time. I don’t have any investors or other reason to do them than my own motivation, so I get to make the call and I get to be ok with it.

This could probably be expanded on more if my head was more clear. It’s hurting and I feel slightly dizzy. Anyway. The direction I was trying to turn this post into was a bit different than the intended post before. I wanted to say I’m good. Even with all the stuff going on. Even the no job. I got a girl that I love. I take one look at my problems. Hell, they’re the problems of almost any 25 year old. Bipolar is just playing the smallest of roles.

Yeah, I like my problems right now. I’d take them any day over the old.

So my post ain’t long and it certainly feels vague. But I can finish it feeling satisfied. Because in the end, these words are for me. I like the thought that people can glean something from them on occasion, but they’re only here to help me. And I’m doing pretty great.

Even so, fingers crossed I can maybe get on some sort of writing schedule and get any sort of readers I have on here, caught up on all things me.

A Blissful Return

Been a while since I wrote, still have several posts on the burners. But I’m sort of back now from my hiatus. I took a family trip and quit my job and many, many other things. I still need to write a post to “accept” an award I was nominated for. That’s still on my to do list. But for now, words!

I promised my now girlfriend I we would hold each other accountable for writing so often and I haven’t held up my end for a bit. I have lots more drafts stacked up and each one prematurely ended or suspended, not ready for release into the wild. But, let me just do an update maybe?

There’s not been a whole lot pressing matters going on, nothing too reflective spinning around the ol’ custard bowl, but I can tell everyone (whoever that is) what’s been going on, well, some of it, I still can’t talk about (like my trip to jail and pending court case). I have a girlfriend though. Now that’s a thing. And I couldn’t be more happy. I told myself I wouldn’t date, that I was not interested, I told others too, my friends and such. I can honestly say, she has caught me completely off guard.

It’s been like a month since our first date. A month since I felt the need to return to church, and yes, I still pray most nights. Beyond that, she’s something of a marvel. She’s managed to lower my shields despite so many things in my head blaring eminent doom. Glad those warnings were apparently just a drill, everyone return to your stations!

Love. It’s a funny thing. A source of healing, motivation, anger, suffering, joy, expression, and so many others. And even more interesting, it hits you. You don’t always get a choice in this manner. It just straightens up and smacks you. You reel for a bit and wonder what’s going on before just becoming something of a slave to the idea that this person might just be the one for you.

I’ve never had anything happen so fast like that. But love? It doesn’t surprise me that it can do it, that it happens. And she’s pretty great, I’m not just some puppy-eyed fool falling for any girl who talks to him. She’s good for me in both a productive and spiritual way. In addition to how in tune we are with one another. I really could probably spend an hour or two just saying how awesome she is, but I think most readers understand it at this point.

I hope (and believe) she’s just as foolishly smitten as me. It’s a good feeling. It really is.

My ex decided to not continue our friendship, I completely get it. I think it was the relationship with my girlfriend that may have set her off and, that’s completely understandable, given the length of our relationship and everything. I hope she can one day reconcile and we can be friends, but until that day, I wish her the best of luck and good fortune and hope she can get that healing she needs.

On a professional note (is it professional) I am definitely planning to return to school in the Spring to continue my education. I’m a smart guy after all, I can do this. Ah! Just look at all the progress I’ve made in a few short months. I’m so much closer to the man I want to be. And also, happy. I’m really happy.

I know there are tough times ahead, but the good times seem to be outweighing them a bit at this point, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Mental illness is a tough thing. It’s far from one size fits all. And there’s a harsh stigma that goes along with it. I want to help end that. Even if it’s just help a person or two, people need to know it’s ok to be ill, that there are treatments for it. I wish all people had a good doctor and treatment from the get go, but it doesn’t seem to be that way. Just keep trying, life is such a terrible thing to waste.

Until next time, I wish everyone the best, I need to reboot my nerditorial and write a post to accept my award, so maybe look for those soon!

With love and small semblance of sanity, I bid ya’ll adieu.

The Unfinished Ghost

I started writing a post a few days ago. It was actually quite beautiful what I achieved in it for as little as I had written. I thought the draft was saved, it would appear I am wrong. In an effort to at least  recreate that which was, I will write some things, though I estimate it will pale in comparison.

Life hands you lemons. Lots of lemons. People say make lemonade. It’s a sweet spin on the use of the fruit. Too bad life didn’t hand me sugar or water too. So, a grocery trip later after life’s lemon giving I sit prepared to make lemonade. Alright, that’s done, let’s have a glass. Refreshing! Now to sell it and reap additional profit. What’s that? A police man visited and informed me I don’t have the proper authorization or licenses to distribute this lemonade. The more for me I guess.

Sometimes life hits us hard, point being, and even when we try to turn it positive, we get hit again, and again… and again. We often get hit so hard so many times we can lose sight of the good life has. Maybe we bury that thought of hope and happiness because we get so tired of disappointment. I know I did. Maybe, we embrace the struggle and see beauty in the efforts, not the rewards. I like to think I do, but I do need something every now and again to keep me going.

A new friend (very recently new kind of friend) may be just this. Even if just for the moment. We went a first date, and the conversation enthralled me. So many interesting things. I really enjoyed her talking about her experience with God and prayer though. And then I got to share one of mine. It kind of reminded me how to place things again. Since then, nightly prayer. It was just a great reminder. Something I sometimes lost sight of.

These past few night’s prayers? I have asked for nothing for myself. I like that. These prayers I start out affirming my beliefs. Then I thank God for giving me life. I thank him for granting me the abilities I have and for the perspective I am gifted with. For the first couple of nights after that date, that’s all the prayer was. Now? I’ve added to it. I pray for others of course, something I lost sight of too. I ask for less suffering in this world. I offer up my own to this extent. I ask for people to be accepting of who they are and loving in how they act. I know I have this. Or at least now I do. And it is one of the BEST gifts a person can have.

So this friend? She’s pretty great. I can’t say where she will be at any point in the future. But, I’m glad she’s here for now. I’m going to start church again. I need to. Sometimes it just takes that little push when life gives you lemons, maybe your friends have the sugar and water, maybe even some strawberries to help you put it all together. And you need no more profit than that.

I’m in excellent spirits though. This is a new place for me. In all the years of various types of suffering. Through all the events that happen. Through all my strange grief. I’m here now. I’m wanting to be part of something bigger more than ever, and I’m finally considering myself to really be on the path of happiness. Lots of stuff happening these past few months. Got a lot of people to thank. They’ll read this probably. Hopefully. I’m ready to have that hope again. Even knowing that there will be pain. There will be setbacks. There will be so many bad things all together going forward that life will not have only delivered me lemons, but cut some wounds to squeeze them in too. Life, let’s just say God even for my purposes, gives us love though, and friendship, and passion. So we get a good round of disinfectant and band-aids to fix it all.

The journey is wonderful. Pain and all. Gonna keep on going on, maybe take the scenic route a couple times too. We all have that thing that helps us get better. Anyone struggling with mental illness, do not give up. It’s a damn hard battle, no denying that. But there’s tools. There’s wonderful things that can help and can make it all worthwhile.

Lo and Behold

When I’m doing well, I’m doing amazing. I forget how many weeks ago I had my first, and what should be my only suicide attempt. I could easily figure out, but it feels so far back, like I’m ready to just leave it in the past, what would be the point?

I think I finally found a medicine that works for me. At least for now, yes, I’m slightly paranoid about this near mania state being yanked out from under me. But I mean, over a decade of dealing with this business? Dropped out of college not once or twice, but five times? Tried hard to ruin friendships and hate myself throughout all of that. Given that most of my life has been lived under the terms of mental illness, a reprieve, though very welcome, feels so unlikely. If you’d have told me, like some of my friends did, a few months ago that I could find “normal”, I’d have scoffed and explained why I couldn’t.

Now, I’m past that. I’m so much better than normal, and I’m loving it. Every day feels like a manic episode. I’m excited, have high energy, I want to laugh and enjoy things. I spread my talents and my skills and I sit back and admire them. I love music. I love playing my guitar (even though I’m often feeling sick and my joints hurt). I love playing video games again, I get excited talking about different things with my friends. I ACTUALLY carry conversations on a daily basis with most of my friends (even though most can still be counted on one hand).

Point being. I feel good. So very good. Weeks have gone by. WEEKS, I mean, I could not even comprehend this level of feeling good just a couple months ago. I get normalish sleep, I don’t get anxious about things. There are a few remnants that hang over me, but I don’t stress about them. I just let them be. I started taking on some good projects, some creative, well, MOST creative, no, ALL creative haha.

That feels good. I’m writing story for some friends to play a tabletop RPG with. I’m drawing, something I really never do. I’m writing a song even! I’m so close to finishing it. All these projects, I would normally get the ideas in a manic state, write them down and abandon them a few days later citing this or that. But now?
Now, I plan them out, I filled up a notebook with ideas, and notes and how to achieve them, stuff like that. Man, when my brain works, it works beautifully. I’m confident in my abilities, damn near even cocky. I like that. Been a long time since I wanted to toot my own horn.

Despite competing in Intel International Science and Engineering Fair twice and even placing 1st at state in my category one year, I felt so sure it was all a fluke. That stuff was reinforced when I had to drop out of college again… and again… and again. That’s just the reality of being bipolar for me though. Because here I am, on a good path now. Making steps to accomplish a lot of these projects now.

A big thank you to all of my friends. You know which ones you are. I love you all. You’ve put up with my bad times and even often supported me through them. I hope I can provide half of what you did for me. Not in the spirit of reciprocation, but because that’s who I am. I would want to do that if we were close friends and you were somehow unaware of my… erm… difficulties. That’s who I am. And being mentally healthy? Well, Hell, that’s just having the ability to be the best of me. And I’ll be damned if I ain’t awesome. Cause I got some great things in store, just you wait and see.

I often end the posts on a note sort of like a toast. “To this or that” I might say. I don’t need to toast this though, not tonight. Toasts always feel like a well wisher’s hopes. I’m not hoping now. I’m believing. Believing that I can do things I only dreamt of before. A man like me? Smart, observant, rational, quick witted, generous, and a decent mug to boot? I can do great things, and I aim to do them.

With a slightly toast-like ending despite my previous statements, I say to any of you who struggle or have known the struggle of mental illness, it can get better, just stay persistent. Anyone who has friends or family in this struggle, they won’t believe your incessant nagging that it gets better, but never stop nagging them, show them it gets better, show them blogs of people who are dealing better now, show them this one, despite its terribly ineffective gathering of followers (Yes, I definitely need to redo my whole look of this blog, not just the aesthetic either). To loving those in your life and to getting better to be the best you, I bid thee a goodnight.