Tag Archives: hope

Better Hop to It

Better get started. Don’t procrastinate. If it’s not worth doing now, then why are you doing it at all? For the grade? The job? So you can say “I told you so”?

When we want to work on something, no one has to tell us to “hop to it”. Besides what are we hopping to? It’s not a mad beat. We aren’t rabbits. Kangaroos? I wouldn’t mind being one, but unfortunately not the case.

Anyway. You start what you’re working on. You do it well. You do it right. At least if you have pride in your work, another lesson we repeat from our parents but may not have the convictions to match.

I don’t like it in here right now. I have to start my work, but my mind is abuzz. I guess some people have linear thought. I don’t. When I started my new job today, I walked in the door thinking “If we can just stay awake enough to get through the shift, our first class canceled, so we can sleep a bit then.”

We? It doesn’t bother me. And it shouldn’t I reckon, just chalk it up to quirks. Still it makes me feel abnormal in a bad way. I have to remind myself the things I do that others can’t. The things I’ve done that others didn’t. That I (we?) will do and others won’t. Some good, some bad. I’m smart. I’m also unstable though. I’m a mess, but I sure do like to organize and plan. There’s two of me in here. And I don’t mean that in a conflicting sense. He and I, we are the same. We don’t compete our ideas don’t conflict. We just think and talk. It’s just me really, I know that, you may not, but I do.

Sometimes though I get lost in “his” thoughts. They bleed over and I can’t figure them out. Then I lose my own. I mutter to solve problems to keep me on track, but professor calls you out sometimes for talking to yourself and suddenly you shut up.

I want “normal”. I’m not talking nuclear family, American dream, middle class. I’m not talking of normal personality, whatever the Hell that is. I’m not talking about getting rid of the other half. That makes me, well, me. What I want to be normal is function. I see people function on a couple hours of sleep, I need at least 14 to be mostly in the green. Anything else can be a risk. Despite all my noise, my hypnagogic hallucinations, my quirks and ticks, all I want fixed is the ability to work. I want to be able to go to school and stay awake. Not feel weak and konk out right after the shower in the floor. To be looked at weird when I try to articulate my symptoms in a way that isn’t computing.

I simply want to hop to it when I tell myself to. Not wonder what’s hopping where or why they don’t simply…..and the socks, they go……no no no no, that’s not how you….OH, that’s right I was doing something. Some say it’s discipline, but when you have my problems, whatever the source, neurological or otherwise, discipline means nothing, luck does. To hoping all this gets resolved some day, because I’m simply too exhausted to go much longer.


I’m supposed to write. or something.

Sometimes I get on here. And I write in a manic way. Words flow to me. Or not, but I need them to. Sometimes there is a very central topic on my mind. Sometimes there isn’t but in the course of typing, I make one.

This. I don’t think is those. My girlfriend is trying to get me to focus on writing more. Fictional stuff. Not bloggerific stuff. Not all the stuff that I say I will do and never do, stuff (unless I don’t do it). I like this.

Recently it has occurred to me how much I actually value writing. I used to say if there was one thing I could do in this life to make a living, it would be reading/learning something new every day. More and more, writing seems to be the great compromise for that. I don’t know how I would write professionally, in fact, I’m all but certain I can’t. But I need to try.

Maybe I’m skilled in analytical stuff. Problem solving, code, math, blah blah. Sometimes I write quite candidly, other times, with more prose. Sometimes words are hard, other times they come to me in dreams. (or showers) But, those are my daydreams. Expression. Words. I may be a terrible writer, but maybe I can write something. Maybe I shouldn’t shut myself down first.

Amidst all my health issues right now. I ought to give it a whirl. Who knows. Maybe it’d work out well.

Force Friday (A tad late)

I meant to do a post about Force Friday as an attempt to do a Nerditorial revival. For those that care, the nerditorial idea is a just an intended weekly post about different stuff I like to talk or be obsessed about. Force Friday was a marketing event planned some time ago and announced back in this past May. It was September 4th and many stores did things like open at midnight to showcase and sell the new star wars merchandise.

Now, I’m a huge star wars fan, so I had to go. Of course having no job is a tad bumming. Luckily, my birthday was within the following week and my mom had the great kindness to give me cash for this event. Yes, I know how much like a child I sound. No, I give zero effs. So yeah, the 3rd came quickly and I rounded up a friend to do this with. We went to Target first, knowing that they were doing a raffle for this huge plush of Chewbacca.

We stand in line for an hour. Talking a little trash about how these people are here and some are more on the hype train than the star wars fanatics. Like it’s just a thing for them to do. At first I feel a tad offended hearing some of the comments rolling around, displaying clear and painful star wars ignorance. Then I remind myself, we can all love star wars differently and to different extents.

A guy stands in front me. He’s been largely quiet. It’s now about 10 minutes until the line to select merchandise starts moving. I point to his amazingly rad jacket and whisper praise to my friend, or at least I did when we first got there. It was a leather varsity type jacket. It had little button-LED like nubs on it. The title stitched in the upper left corner of the image read “Return of the Jedi” and it featured a TIE Interceptor chasing an X-Wing. there was an explosion featured near the Interceptor.

Anyway, the Target employee says how excited he is for the new star wars film and merchandise and that he and his team have been waiting all week for this event. Blah blah, get to the good stuff. The crowded line starts up chatter.

“What are you most excited for?”
“The new movie is gonna be so sick!”
“Kylo Ren’s lightsaber is so badass.”

I indulge some of the comments. While I disagree with others, I know Star Wars can be something great to everyone, even if what I like is different.

The guy in front of me turns around.
“Hey, check this out.” and he thumbs at the image I kept being hypnotized by. The stars twinkle. I knew it! LEDs!
“That’s awesome!”
“Yeah? What about this?”
And lasers emit from the interceptor in a pattern to show it’s path and movement. Hadn’t caught those, so awesome.

I probably looked like I was ready to drown in a pool of my own drool.

That aside, we have some light conversation for a bit. I start getting really excited. We eventually make it to the front of the line while we wait on the other shoppers, we can stare into the area we are about to ravage. The new lego X-Wing set, Poe’s X-Wing catches my eye. I want it so bad, but that would be virtually all my gift money, plus the coupon at target wasn’t valid on legos, so despite making me salivate, the thought gets filed away for a later date. I see the black series figure vehicles on the end cap. And the pop vinyl figures on a display. I make note of the of other black series stuff I had an interest in.

Then we’re told we can go. I make a stunted rush toward the pops at first. Then I spin to the right, almost whipping into a person also staring excitedly at the pops. I dart to the end cap. All the vehicles are there. And much cheaper than I thought. I start trying to gather one of each. manage to get 8 of the 10. Then I hop back to the pops. Start collecting one of every type.

“Crap. I should have got the ones that had only one left first.” I tell my friend afterr seeing the last stormtrooper¬†and BB-8 droid snapped away in front of me. I had prioritized them lower since they weren’t characters I was super interested in. I reach for the last Captain Phasma and a guy to my right says he saw it first. Also the guy who took the last BB-8 droid. I hesitate. My hand was on it first, but I can always find it later. I retreat and offer it to him.
“You reached for it first bud. I may have seen it, but I think we all did”
“Thanks man, you got the last droid too. So, we’re even… or something.” I smile to show my gratitude.

I picked up a 6″ black series of Kylo Ren before determining my trip was done. I waited around for the raffle of the first Chewbacca, didn’t win. Scrambled up front to check out. was 3 dollars short of getting $25 off my purchase, so I had the cashier hold my stuff while I went and searched some more. I got a 9th vehicle before heading back up.

I made it back just in time for the second raffle.
Still did not win.

A guy turns to me.
“You staying for the last raffle?” he asks.
“Yeah, that’s why I came to Target first.”
“Well. Reach in there. Grab my wallet. Don’t.” he laughs in the middle of his words “..ah don’t run off with it. If you don’t, you can have my ticket in there.”
“Whoa, really? You sure?” I asked, probably excitement dripping off me.
“Yeah, we got to go to one more place before this is done.”
I take the ticket.
He tells me good luck and leaves.
After he turns I shout “May the Force be with you”.

While I teased my friend what I would do if I won the stranger’s ticket. I told myself that if I won with his, it needed to go to one of the few kids present. It would be generosity that won it in that case, and I couldn’t feel right taking that prize home on someone’s kindness. I settled in the idea that it would mean a lot more to a kid than it would me, but still allowed me to be greedy and hopeful I would win on my own ticket.

The 3rd and final raffle ticket was called. Didn’t win. No one claimed. They shout it again, because this happened the first raffle and the lady was out of earshot, resulting in a problem. No one comes forward. They call a new number, I listen for the final three digits, the first one was off for both my tickets. I sighed in defeat, also relieved that I didn’t have to find a kid to offer chewbacca to without upsetting someone else.

We did a little more that night. But that thought of generosity didn’t leave me. That’s the person I always want to be. Even when it’s things I really, really want for myself. It’s that sort of spirit that makes the culture have the potential to be awesome and something more than just movies, books, and games. But the night ended with me satisfied for my loot. Oh so satisfied.

I want to talk some about collectibles and merchandise next time I get around to writing and working on the nerditorial. So I hope that happens soon, other than that, hope my narrative wasn’t terrible boring while also offering a bit of insight to my hapless charity.

Good night all. And may the Force be with you, Always.

The Unfinished Ghost

I started writing a post a few days ago. It was actually quite beautiful what I achieved in it for as little as I had written. I thought the draft was saved, it would appear I am wrong. In an effort to at least  recreate that which was, I will write some things, though I estimate it will pale in comparison.

Life hands you lemons. Lots of lemons. People say make lemonade. It’s a sweet spin on the use of the fruit. Too bad life didn’t hand me sugar or water too. So, a grocery trip later after life’s lemon giving I sit prepared to make lemonade. Alright, that’s done, let’s have a glass. Refreshing! Now to sell it and reap additional profit. What’s that? A police man visited and informed me I don’t have the proper authorization or licenses to distribute this lemonade. The more for me I guess.

Sometimes life hits us hard, point being, and even when we try to turn it positive, we get hit again, and again… and again. We often get hit so hard so many times we can lose sight of the good life has. Maybe we bury that thought of hope and happiness because we get so tired of disappointment. I know I did. Maybe, we embrace the struggle and see beauty in the efforts, not the rewards. I like to think I do, but I do need something every now and again to keep me going.

A new friend (very recently new kind of friend) may be just this. Even if just for the moment. We went a first date, and the conversation enthralled me. So many interesting things. I really enjoyed her talking about her experience with God and prayer though. And then I got to share one of mine. It kind of reminded me how to place things again. Since then, nightly prayer. It was just a great reminder. Something I sometimes lost sight of.

These past few night’s prayers? I have asked for nothing for myself. I like that. These prayers I start out affirming my beliefs. Then I thank God for giving me life. I thank him for granting me the abilities I have and for the perspective I am gifted with. For the first couple of nights after that date, that’s all the prayer was. Now? I’ve added to it. I pray for others of course, something I lost sight of too. I ask for less suffering in this world. I offer up my own to this extent. I ask for people to be accepting of who they are and loving in how they act. I know I have this. Or at least now I do. And it is one of the BEST gifts a person can have.

So this friend? She’s pretty great. I can’t say where she will be at any point in the future. But, I’m glad she’s here for now. I’m going to start church again. I need to. Sometimes it just takes that little push when life gives you lemons, maybe your friends have the sugar and water, maybe even some strawberries to help you put it all together. And you need no more profit than that.

I’m in excellent spirits though. This is a new place for me. In all the years of various types of suffering. Through all the events that happen. Through all my strange grief. I’m here now. I’m wanting to be part of something bigger more than ever, and I’m finally considering myself to really be on the path of happiness. Lots of stuff happening these past few months. Got a lot of people to thank. They’ll read this probably. Hopefully. I’m ready to have that hope again. Even knowing that there will be pain. There will be setbacks. There will be so many bad things all together going forward that life will not have only delivered me lemons, but cut some wounds to squeeze them in too. Life, let’s just say God even for my purposes, gives us love though, and friendship, and passion. So we get a good round of disinfectant and band-aids to fix it all.

The journey is wonderful. Pain and all. Gonna keep on going on, maybe take the scenic route a couple times too. We all have that thing that helps us get better. Anyone struggling with mental illness, do not give up. It’s a damn hard battle, no denying that. But there’s tools. There’s wonderful things that can help and can make it all worthwhile.