Tag Archives: internal dialogue

The Thunderous Distraction

I think I have mentioned on here how I have an internal dialogue much like that of a conversation between two people. I fully acknowledge that’s my own self though. I don’t think that makes me crazy, I’ve been told that’s relatively normal and I’ve done it all my life. It’s simply how I think or address thoughts and ideas.

What’s particularly odd, is that my other self when speaking to a hypothetical idea likes to smoke cigarettes. Now, you are probably rereading that to make sure you understood what I said. Let me provide an example.

I think of having a conversation with a friend and am listening to a complaint that I have an answer to. Don’t ask why such thoughts happen, hypothetical conversation are constant in my head and I don’t know why. But when I listen to my friend’s complaint and prepare my response, I incidentally imagine myself smoking and taking an inhale right before I tell them something. Sometimes instead of an inhale, I’m stubbing what remains of the cigarette out in an ashtray.

I don’t know why this is. I also don’t know how to properly explain a visual in my head. ┬áSo I think the “other me” is a smoker. It’s probably no surprise I inhaled second hand smoke since I was a tiny thing and only recently get a break from it in the past few years. I have no idea if that relates. But it is certainly an odd thing to get caught up on in my head. Every time it surprises me.

“Why the heck am I smoking in this thought?”

“Eh, just deal with it” I get in reply.

If it weren’t for such distractions, I might actually get some work done. Also, related I am currently at work. So yeah.

Anyway, happy mid day thing, if I remember later I will write again, because it is my anniversary of dating with my fiance and would like to write some positive things too.

Better Hop to It

Better get started. Don’t procrastinate. If it’s not worth doing now, then why are you doing it at all? For the grade? The job? So you can say “I told you so”?

When we want to work on something, no one has to tell us to “hop to it”. Besides what are we hopping to? It’s not a mad beat. We aren’t rabbits. Kangaroos? I wouldn’t mind being one, but unfortunately not the case.

Anyway. You start what you’re working on. You do it well. You do it right. At least if you have pride in your work, another lesson we repeat from our parents but may not have the convictions to match.

I don’t like it in here right now. I have to start my work, but my mind is abuzz. I guess some people have linear thought. I don’t. When I started my new job today, I walked in the door thinking “If we can just stay awake enough to get through the shift, our first class canceled, so we can sleep a bit then.”

We? It doesn’t bother me. And it shouldn’t I reckon, just chalk it up to quirks. Still it makes me feel abnormal in a bad way. I have to remind myself the things I do that others can’t. The things I’ve done that others didn’t. That I (we?) will do and others won’t. Some good, some bad. I’m smart. I’m also unstable though. I’m a mess, but I sure do like to organize and plan. There’s two of me in here. And I don’t mean that in a conflicting sense. He and I, we are the same. We don’t compete our ideas don’t conflict. We just think and talk. It’s just me really, I know that, you may not, but I do.

Sometimes though I get lost in “his” thoughts. They bleed over and I can’t figure them out. Then I lose my own. I mutter to solve problems to keep me on track, but professor calls you out sometimes for talking to yourself and suddenly you shut up.

I want “normal”. I’m not talking nuclear family, American dream, middle class. I’m not talking of normal personality, whatever the Hell that is. I’m not talking about getting rid of the other half. That makes me, well, me. What I want to be normal is function. I see people function on a couple hours of sleep, I need at least 14 to be mostly in the green. Anything else can be a risk. Despite all my noise, my hypnagogic hallucinations, my quirks and ticks, all I want fixed is the ability to work. I want to be able to go to school and stay awake. Not feel weak and konk out right after the shower in the floor. To be looked at weird when I try to articulate my symptoms in a way that isn’t computing.

I simply want to hop to it when I tell myself to. Not wonder what’s hopping where or why they don’t simply…..and the socks, they go……no no no no, that’s not how you….OH, that’s right I was doing something. Some say it’s discipline, but when you have my problems, whatever the source, neurological or otherwise, discipline means nothing, luck does. To hoping all this gets resolved some day, because I’m simply too exhausted to go much longer.

It Hurts Being Right

Sometimes I wonder if I just do things to be right. I anticipated a horrible depressive episode sometime in February, and I’m just now getting on the upside of it. Was I just fulfilling my prophecy or was it the usual catalyst? I wish I knew, either way, it sucked.

I was victim to a traumatic slideshow of all my life’s hurt and emotional pain. My brain, restless in its attempts to converge on a permanent solution to end all troubles. I mostly stamped my feet, I got really close to doing things I have no doubt I would regret.

I wanted so bad to tell her…

I’m not normalized. I’m so far removed from normal that I don’t have a decent concept of what it’s supposed to be. I dote on a woman who is not emotionally available for that. I have to beat my self up internally to not piece together these strange romantic ideas that feed me most of the day. I can’t get my mind off her, and worse, I struggle to do so, making for some painful internal dialogue.

Sometimes I’m ok that she’s taken. Glad even, so long as she’s happy. But, I fixate on this way too much. I mean, not for the first time, I have wondered if this is how stalkers start out. We’re best friends though. I would never do anything to hurt her. Even more strange than that, I find comfort in the thoughts of my ex-fiance. Sometimes it just seems like it would be nice to go back to being with her.

I don’t even know where I am headed anymore. I just know that I don’t socialize enough to really be in any sort of “dating game”, I’m fixated on this woman’s beauty and character, and I’m wanting to be back with my ex.

I don’t know why I wrote this. I thought it would make me feel better to get this out of my head. Really, I just have a headache still, same as when I started, and I should be lying down, not thinking about where I’m at on the relationship front.

It sucks being right sometimes.