Tag Archives: manic symptoms

You’ll Know it When You Feel it

You’ll know it. You’ll wake up and get into your car. Shaking off the grog you hear some solid rock, your steering wheel serves as an impromptu drum. No. It’s more. It’s a full drum kit. Get some oomph into. Now head bang. Close. We aren’t quite there. Now scream the lyrics when the chorus drops. Oh yeah, you’re there. And if you don’t think you are, give it an hour.

It occurs to me that many “normal” people probably do what I just mentioned. Not me, not normally.  I envy people that have that normal sense of energy or happiness. I don’t have that sort of function.  I only get like this when my manic states hit (Happy State Activate).  Actually, it’s not always happy. I get more mood swings in manic states. I don’t have the crippling sexual desires at the moment, just want to get into a fight.

Sometimes they’re all happy, and I will dance. Not right now. I want to fight. I want an excuse to scrap.  I haven’t been in a fight. Not a “real” fight anyway.  I don’t know why this happens in some of my manic states. I fantasize that this guy in front of me at the convenience store is about to pull out a gun when his hand goes to his waist. Oh, he’s just adjusting his pants. Damn. Wait what? No. An absence of guns is good.

I’m impulsive. It’s difficult. In that line, my heart becomes a war drum as adrenaline strikes me. BOOM DUM. BOOM DUM. I feel it in my head and face. I start to take a subtle stance. Then he just pays for cigarettes and my heart calms down. I’m better now. It’ll happen again later, but it’s been like that for years.

Oh, the sexual appetite stuff? Sometimes it is crippling.  I may have a project or homework assignment do, and I masturbate for hours instead. Hours. There are times when I have a similar urge and am not in a place where I can relieve it. Everything else around me starts to agitate me, I can’t focus. I’m simply trying to hide my erection that threatens to force an awkward situation.  In class I can’t focus. At work I can’t focus. In conversations, I’m absent even though I hear my words.

Anyway. It’s violent manic today. I like it well enough, I’m not ever going to hurt someone, but I’ll certainly kick up the Disturbed and other angry music.  When manic mode activates, you sure as Hell will know it.